Yet More Tacky Christmas Songs

Back in 2001, we ran a series of Good/Bad/Ugly ratings of Tacky Christmas Songs, More Tacky Christmas Songs, and Even More Tacky Christmas Songs. And in 2005 we ran Still More Tacky Christmas Songs. One might think that we had covered all the tacky Christmas songs ever written. But there are simply so very many Christmas songs, and so many of them are so very tacky. Even with this fifth edition of G/B/U rating of tacky Christmas songs, there will still be plenty of fodder left for next December.

"The Christmas Shoes" by NewSong/Bob Carlisle: There are probably some people out there who will take exception with this song being labelled as "tacky." And perhaps tacky is not precisely the right word. But until we run a Good/Bad/Ugly rating entitled Songs For Which Our Hatred Burns With the Fire of A Thousand Suns "tacky" is going to have to do.
"But this song is so touching and wonderful," the cries of protest ring out. "How dare you call it tacky!"
Well, as mentioned, tacky isn't the right word. Unbearably depressing and dripping with wildly overwrought melodrama is more accurate. It's a song about a boy who can't afford to buy his terminally ill mother a pair of shoes on Christmas Eve. Could this be any more over the top with the sadness? It's like a one-legged puppy, only instead of just sad, it's downright Ugly.

"8 Days of Christmas" by Destiny's Child: I'm not entirely sure what happened to the other four days, but let us all take a moment and be thankful that this song isn't 50 percent longer. Come to think of it, the notion of needing a dozen days for Christmas always seemed a bit excessive — couldn't we cut it down to an even week? But I digress, and that's another department here. Back to this truly dreadful holiday tune. If you aren't familiar with it, consider yourself fortunate. It's nothing like the original "12 Days of Christmas" so there's no pear trees or poultry to be found. Instead, we have a wildly scattershot list of gifts, from backrubs to gift certificates to German sports cars. Seriously, there is no pattern here. It's just Bad.

"Driving Home for Christmas" by Chris Rea: Let's establish one thing right away. His last name is pronounced Ree-ah. Now that we have that out of the way, as far as the song goes, I've always enjoyed it. And while I may not have experienced driving halfway across the country to be home for Christmas, listening to this song makes me feel like I have. The imagery is right on target, and Rea's bluesy voice works perfectly against the strings and piano. It's not actually all that tacky, but that's probably a Good thing.

"Christmas All Over Again" by Tom Petty: Tom Petty is a skilled songwriter, if not a particularly good singer. Which makes this song a bit of an abberation. The songwriting isn't strong, and is heavy with cheesy lines like "Christmas is a rockin' time/put your body next to mine/underneath the mistletoe we go", and "I hope you have a good one/ I hope Mama gets the shopping done" but yet I'm not sure if it would work if someone else were singing it. The music, though, is nicely upbeat, with just enough subtle sleighbell with the percussion, and chimes mixed in the background of the refrain. It's defininetely seasonal, but yet still definitely Tom Petty. And hey, no veiled drug references, so that's Good too.