More Tacky Christmas Songs

A few days ago I posted a rating of tacky Christmas songs. Thing is, I had more than enough of those to fill one article, so here's a second part. I'm not going to explain the topic, it should be pretty self explanatory and I explained it all last time. Time to revel in more tackiness.

"Santa Claus is Back in Town" by Elvis Presley: If I ever happen to have an evening off and get the opportunity to go caroling, I really, really want to sing this song. Most people won't recognize it, and anyone who does should be highly amused that people are on their front lawn singing Elvis songs. And the lyrics are a lot of fun: "Got no sleigh with reindeer, no sack on my back. You're gonna see me comin' in a big black Cadillac." And any song that opens with "Well, it's Christmas time pretty baby" is Good in my books.

"All I Want for Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey: I'm going to say something controversial here. Something decidedly not politically correct. Something possibly quite shocking. And something that I think most people will have to agree is the truth. If Mariah Carey had been born in any other century she'd most likely be a prostitute. That said, this song is rather typical Mariah Carey fare. It's very tacky fluff pop. That's not a good thing, Martha. In fact it's Bad.

"Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" by Elmo and Patsy: Let me get one thing out of the way right now — country music sucks like a heavily modified shop-vac. Now that I've offended a good portion of the readership, let me just say how horrible this song is. The very notion of grandma dying under a bloody crush of reindeer hooves is horrific. I know the song is supposed to be funny, but it falls flat. It's nowhere near the over the top zaniness of Weird Al Yankovic's "The Night Santa Went Crazy," and not nearly as funny, either. But DJs think that they should play it on the radio. Any radio station personnel out there reading this — pull this from the archives and burn it already. We don't want to hear this Ugly song any more.

"Last Christmas" by Wham: Quick, name the other guy from Wham. Can't do it? It's Andrew Ridgeley, and don't feel bad for not remembering that. Wham only managed to put out three albums, and this song was on the third (which wasn't a Christmas album, I should point out). I'm sure you've heard it. "Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away." Now if that's not a tacky Christmas song then I'm a candied apple. Of course, Wham was all about tacky pop music, and whether or not you like their music, you have to admit they were Good at it. And I'm not just saying that because the next time I go out caroling I'm going to work this in between "Jingle Bells" and "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen."

"The Christmas Song" by Mel Torme: I know what you're thinking. "The Christmas Song? The chestnuts/open fire song? That's not tacky, that's a classic." Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but no, it's not. It was written in 1946, and just because it's been covered by everyone from Nat King Cole to Tony Bennett people think that makes it a good and vital Christmas Song. I disagree. First, there's the title. Calling something "The Christmas Song" is a bit presumptuous, as if there is some sort of exclusivity here. There are lots of Christmas songs, and I think it's wrong for one song to get the idea in its head that it's an immortal and should run out and start beheading all the other Christmas songs while crying out "There can only be one!" Then there's the lyrics, in particular the lines "Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow will find it hard to sleep tonight." Anyone else find the image of young children with glowing eyes and insomnia far more reminiscent of a Stephen King storyline than cheery seasonal motif? I think it's downright Ugly.