The Emperor's New Shoes

Are you familiar with the tale of the Emperor's New Clothes? In case you aren't, it goes like this: two swindlers convince a particularly vain ruler to buy clothing from them which is made from a most wondrous fabric which is not only very beautiful but cannot be seen by those who are stupid or unfit for their jobs. When everyone around him, who of course cannot see the fictional fabric, praises its beauty to no end for fear of having their incompetence revealed, he decides that it must be real and he refuses to admit that he can't see it either. Only when a child points out that the emperor is completely starkers does the truth come out.

Lately I'm feeling much like that child. Instead of an unclad potentate, however, I feel like I'm the only one who sees just how preposterously hideous Crocs are. Of course, I know this isn't true. Just like everyone saw that the emperor was nakers, everyone who has seen Crocs knows how ugly they are. But they still wear them.

I can hear the chorus of voices rising to defend their hideous footwear already, with shouts of "But they are so comfortable!" and "You have to try them!"

No, I don't have to try them. Frankly, the day I will put on a pair of Crocs will come, well, I propose never. Certainly not until they completely change the look of them to something that doesn't look like a badly mangled pair of rubber boots manufactured in colours that don't exist in nature. Either that or all other footwear is banned and my only other option is flip flops made from twine and worn out tires. In fact, in that case it's pretty much a toss up between the Crocs and the tire sandals.

Don't get me wrong. I am not an ardent follower of fashion. I have never been on the cutting edge of style, nor even the trailing edge for that matter. I appreciate functionality and comfort as much as the next person, maybe more. But I do have some care for my appearance, especially when out in public. I would hope that most other people would have at least some care as well (although some articles posted on this site in the past might suggest otherwise). And if people were content to wear their hideous Crocs to work in their gardens and on their boats — places where easy to clean, moisture impervious non slip footwear is ideal, I wouldn't be ranting about it right now. But people wear them everywhere: to the mall, to the office, out socially, you name the place, someone will show up in ugly foam rubber footwear. Last week I saw someone wearing them at church. Granted, it was a four year old boy, but let's ignore that.

In conclusion, I implore Crocs wearers of the world to take a moment to evaluate their footwear choices. As comfortable as those technicolour abominations might be, stop wearing them everywhere you go. I'm sick of looking at them, and your other shoes probably miss you.

And for those people out there, who, like me, live in a Northern climate and are tired of seeing Crocs, autumn will be here before long. Rubber shoes with lots of holes will be going away, at least until next year.

Editor's note: This article is not intended as an attack on people who wears a particular type of footwear. It is merely a comment on the cultural zeitgeist that has allowed the ubiquity of these shoes. If this article was written 20 years ago, it probably would have been about leg warmers or cabbage patch kids. Please don't take it personally.