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I was sitting in traffic waiting for the next green light
and out of the corner of my eye the monstrosity appeared. A jogger, a
male jogger. Now, normally, this would not be so horrifying, However,
this guy makes me shudder still. He was wearing tight, short, spandex
shorts. Bright blue. No T-shirt hanging low enough to cover his butt or
anything, not even a wife-beater. Just the shorts. It was like a traffic
accident, so horrific, you want to look away, but you still peek out of
the corner of your eye. He continued to jog and the following thoughts
came to mind. You should not wear short spandex shorts:
1. Unless you're anorexic, and even then I'm not so sure.
2. Even if it's the last item of clothing you have and then, why would
you have ever bought them?
3. Even if you have zero percent body fat, and that's your body on the
cover of the Buns of Steel workout tape.
4. If you're going to move, at all, in public — why would you subject
us, the general public, to that?
5. If you think you might get away with that 80s style of wearing spandex
shorts and a long T-shirt, but the 80s are out and so is that look.
6. Unless you're a professional cyclist, you're in the middle of a race,
you swear they reduce your wind-resistance and you've got a huge endorsement
deal by Nike to wear them.
7. If you think that incredibly thin piece of stretchy material will actually
cover anything. I think it would almost be less offensive to be nude.
Almost. You're pretty darn close in spandex.
8. If you're going to sweat. Just plain eww.
9. If you're sickly white. I mean, they certainly don't look much better
on tanned, buff people, but really, if you're sickly pale, you're not
pulling off being buff in spandex.
10. If you're that guy I saw on the corner by the Burger King wearing
the blue spandex tighties.
After I had quickly formulated the above responses in my head, I looked
ahead of me to see a minivan full of girls, with the same tortured look
on their faces that was staring back at me in my rearview mirror. Looks
like I wasn't the only one offended by Mr. Spandex.
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