It’s been a full year since since the last volume of Stuff My Kids Have Said, and four years since Volume One. But of course my children continue to talk, and some of what they say is far too memorable and far too amusing to keep to myself.
Last time I included a quote from myself, this time there’s one from my wife, because it’s entirely deserving to be here.
Once again, kids, apologies in advance.
”Whoa, you could take bath in those.” — Emma-Lyn, age 16, on the magnitude of potholes in the McDonald’s parking lot.
“Platypuses are wild and I love them.” — Sean, age 17, on his favourite animals.
“I peed on the floor.” — Nate, age 12, after intentionally dropping a handful of snap peas.
“If you poured stomach acid in someone’s ear would it make it go deaf?” — Sean, age 15, on inappropriate uses for bodily fluids.
“Someone else’s mouth juice?” — Emma-Lyn, age 14, questioning the merit of making cider from apple cores.
“Can polar bears do sit-ups?” — Emma-Lyn, age 14. No explanation required.
“Like a chaotic lasagna.” — Levi, age 11, on human internal anatomy.
“Someone got McMad.” — Emma-Lyn, age 14, describing the condition of the McDonald’s parking lot.
“I got cake in my eyeball.” — Sean, age 16, after eating dessert in a reckless fashion.
“My blood smells different than it tastes.” — Nate, age 13, after scratching a bug bite
“I know what colour my nose hair is.” — Emma-Lyn, age 14, on finding an alleged nose hair on her cinnamon roll.
“Tie yourself up.” — Laura, age 47, delivering instructions on tying shoelaces.
“The zippers, those are a good flavour.” — Emma-Lyn, age 14, discussing the taste of metallic objects with Nate and Sean. They agreed heartily. Levi knew enough to stay out of this.
“I really enjoyed the cultist rituals.” — Sean, age 17, discussing an Indiana Jones movie.
“You only find cool old people in the wild.” — Emma-Lyn, age 14, on intergenerational relations.
“What would be my worst possible job? Obviously nothing, because I’m the best at everything. Except for breastfeeding.” — Nate, age 14, on future employment prospects.
“They’re like crusty little deserts.” — Emma-Lyn, age 15, encouraging her father to moisturize his hands.
“Don’t worry, I’m moving him by his neck so he’ll be safe.” — Sean, age 17, helping his brother skateboard.
“They go, they leave them in Cape Breton, one of them becomes good at swords…” — Emma-Lyn, age 16, offering plans for her brothers.
“Basically a diabetes speed run.” — Levi, age 11, describing his breakfast featuring a waffle, chocolate chips, whipped cream, maple syrup, and chocolate sauce.
“What did us awful whites do?” — Emma-Lyn, age 16, on the definition of the word ‘subjugation’.