We’re probably all familiar with one of the incarnations of Kids Say the Darndest Things. It’s a rather contrived show, but it is true that children says some interesting, outlandish, and frankly inexplicable things. But also amusing things. At least my children do, and I’ve kept track of some of the best comments they have made. Everything below is a statement one of my children have made, quoted verbatim, along with their age and the context.

Kids, I’m sorry for this in advance.

“I know what a band-aid tastes like.” — Sean, age nine, after scratching a cut with his teeth.

“No bird poop on mine head.”  — Nate, age three, expressing his opinion of the proper location for avian excrement.

“The potato blinked.” — Emma-Lyn, age seven, victorious in a staring contest.

“You just don’t stop talking, do you?” — Emma-Lyn, age seven, commenting on a loquacious sibling.

“Let’s just say the baby knows kung-fu.” — Sean, age ten, on alternative security systems.

“It hasn’t even touched the floor yet. Here, have a lick.” — Nate, age six, on using a new broom for the first time.

“Daddy do a wheelie.” — Sean, Emma-Lyn, and Nate, chanting in unison to recommend a driving style.

“When I grow up, I’m going to be a dinosaur.” — Nate, age six, while eating turkey without using a fork.

“Daddy’s freaking out.” — Levi, age two,  commenting on his father’s reaction to discovering a puddle of water in the kitchen.

“My car needs to go in the freezer.” — Levi, age three,  on alternative toy storage.

“The dragons are going to come and take my nipples.” — Levi, age three, on imagined threats to his anatomy.

“Farts aren’t real.” — Levi, age three, explaining the difference between poops and farts.

“We’re playing organized.”  — Levi, age four, providing an orderly explanation for a violent manner of play.

“Why do the library receipts taste better than the Superstore or Sobeys ones?” — Sean, age thirteen, commenting on the flavour of paper.