Super Bowl XXXVIII Speed Rating

So, last night was the Super Bowl. Surprisingly, the game was actually really good and enjoyable to watch. This is, of course, a huge departure from many Super Bowls past. It even made up for the fact that the commercials, which are of course the real reason people watch the Super Bowl, were somewhat on the weak side this year. Here is a Good/Bad/Ugly speed rating of what took place during the game, in particular the commercials and entertainment. Oh, and we counted, there were seven groin attacks overall.

Beyonce sings: They got a general to walk her to the podium? Why? She looked better with the afro. Bad.

That whole NASA thing: Astronaut? Fake Moon? Is this the 70s? We were disappointed it didn't start spinning. Ugly.

Helicopters during the anthem: No, no, no, you send in helicopters to "Ride of the Valkyries." Bad.

Player introductions: The walking out, saying the name, with the same music playing the background, it was cool and very videogamesque, but if they had used it one more time it would have slipped down from Good.

The bears buying Pepsi ad: That was pretty funny, although a little on the complicated side. The bears use ID to write a stolen cheque for Pepsi. Maybe not that complicated. Still Good.

The Bud Light Groin Dog: Whenever you see a guy in a commercial wearing a sweater wrapped around his shoulders like that, you just know he's in trouble. We all nearly lost it. The manginess of the dog really made it Good.

Reliant Stadium: Like the K Car? That's just Ugly.

The Budweiser clydesdale donkey: Huh? That wasn't funny, it was just Bad.

Pepsi & iTunes free music giveaway: So pirating music and getting caught gets you on TV? The legalities of pirating music aside, this seems like a Bad way to discourage it.

Old people fighting over Lays: Hilarious. Good.

Whoa, that's a lot of CBS show promos: They didn't sell enough ad space, did they? Too Bad for them.

Deion Sanders' suit: That's one expensive and flashy suit. It works for him. Good.

Janet Jackson's outfits: What was with that homage to Bjork's swan dress? And the leather bodice with samurai pants? Ugly.

P. Diddy's parka: Last time I checked, this was in Houston. Wearing a parka in Texas is generally a Bad idea.

Kid Rock: He gets to do two songs, one while wearing a flag as a poncho. I'm not American, but flag defacement is Ugly.

Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake: There was way too much grinding into each other, but the tear-away top was just plain Bad.

The supply Nazi in the Staples commercial: That was funny. The guy in the neck brace added a lot. Good.

Cialis commercial: The funniest commercial that wasn't supposed to be funny at all. "Erections lasting more than four hours require immediate medical attention." Yeah, they certainly would. Good.

Gillette Ubercommercial: Using a Mach III is like having an angel at your side? What the crap? That was awful. Downright Ugly.

Budweiser lipstick commercial: That was funny. Poor lizard. Good.

AOL Top Speed: They ran three different commercials, each mildly amusing and generally dumb. AOL is trying too hard, and that's always been Bad.

Dale Earnhardt Jr: That was hilarious. But it was an ad for Nextel? Okay, whatever. Still was Good.

Shards O' Glass: Most effective anti-tobacco commercial in ages. And the website is real. Going to that much effort is Good.

7-Up slam dunk truck: That was just funny. Good.

Silent SRX Commercial: So effective, they ran it twice. Lot of Cadillac commercials over the course of the night, in fact. Some pretty Good ones, too.

The Subway Ubercommercial: The last big commercial of the night, it was a Good one. Who knew that eating Subway wasn't a license to commit crimes against humanity?