Milk

by Marko Peric

Back in July, I did a rating of milk containers, which is fine and good, but I've been thinking that perhaps I've gone and put the cart in front of the horse, which is pretty silly unless you have to have one of those rare Uzbekistani Pushing Horses, which I don't. I don't have any horses at all, actually. I'm just a poor horse deprived humorist. But I digress. In case the title didn't give it away, I'm rating milk today. Not milk from different animals, although that might make an interesting column some day, but rather different varieties of good old fashioned cows milk.

Whole Milk: Around here this stuff is labeled homogenized milk, meaning it has gone through a machine that apparently makes all the particles of milk fat the same size. It has nothing to do with the lifestyle choice of the milk, in case you were wondering. This stuff typically is around three or three and a half percent milk fat, which is way too rich for my tastes. It's not cream, but when you aren't used to it this stuff tastes almost as heavy. That's Bad.

2% Milk: Significantly trimmed down in the milk fat department, this stuff isn't bad. It's not weak, it's mildly substantial, and I consider it a bit much for everyday use, but my only typical everyday use for milk is poured over my cereal, so you don't really need a terribly special milk for that. This stuff is ideal drinking milk, and although I don't generally drink a lot of milk, it's Good to do so.

1% Milk: I generally only buy 1% milk. I find this is the ideal level of milk fat for most purposes. Great on cereal, fine for drinking, fine for cooking, and probably good for bathing in, if you are feeling particularly decadent and water just isn't going to cut it. Now, while I like this grade of milk, it does bode ill for a possible trend of ridiculously fractionated milk. I can easily foresee the day when the milk corner of the supermarket (Ever notice how the milk is always in the corner of the store, generally as far from the entrance as possible? That's so you'll have to walk through more of the store to get there, and along the way pick up more stuff.) features .5% milk for the person who almost wants skim, but not, 1.5% for the person that can't choose between 1% and 2%, 2.5% for the person who doesn't quite want whole milk, and 4% for the person who can't get enough of that milk fat goodness. But possible evil trends aside, 1% milk is still Good.

Skim Milk: I used to drink skim milk. Not by choice, I should point out, I was young and I didn't get much say as to what sort of milk the fridge would contain. And when I say not much, I mean none. But now that I'm an adult, and I buy the milk myself, I'm about as likely to buy skim milk as I am to challenge the produce manager to hand to hand combat with coconuts and grapefruit. Skim milk is a little more than tasteless white water, and if I want to drink that, I'll just drink water. Skim milk is just plain Ugly.

Chocolate Milk: Typically this is 2% milk with chocolate syrup added, which of course makes chocolate milk about ten times more interesting than white milk. Then again pretty much anything is better when chocolate is added, apart from red meat, poultry, and seafood (anyone for chocolate covered crab?), so it's not like I'm being totally objective here. Of course, this isn't about being objective, is it? This is about what I think, and I think that chocolate milk is very, very Good.