More Breakfast Cereal Mascots

by Marko Peric

Not because the first page was incredibly popular (if you haven't read it already, or if you don't remember my explanation, read it here), although response has been generally positive. And not because I didn't have any other topics to write about. And not even because I feel an overpowering need to rant about cereal mascots. No, part two of Breakfast Cereal Mascots is here because there are way too many mascots out there.

Cap'n Crunch: Setting aside the whole question what exactly a "cap'n" is, and how it might differ from a captain, I have only one serious issue with Cap'n Crunch. It's his eyebrows. Not many people realize this, but take a minute the next time you happen to be in the cereal aisle. Or better, if you happen to be at home and have a box of Cap's Crunch around, go and look at it now. I'll wait. If you happen to be at a friends house, ask them. They might have some. You won't know unless you ask. Got it yet? Look at the cap'n's eyebrows. They're part of his hat. His hat! His eyes are even encroaching on his hat. Where does one get a hat like this? Not that I really want one, but it might be kinda cool. In any case, the cap'n is Ugly.

Sugar Bear: I'm not sure what the story is behind this bear, but I'm pretty sure he's a drug user. He's so mellow. Everyone else could be freaking out all around him, security guards could be hot on his tail (although why a rather unexciting cereal needs high security is something I don't think could ever be explained) and he's just taking his time and repeating his mantra —"can't get enough of that sugar crisp." He also has perpetual munchies, which of course just adds to the whole druggie motif. Of course, compared to the over the top antics of some breakfast cereal mascots, mellow isn't so bad. That doesn't outweigh the whole exposing-kids-to-the-notion-of-a-pot-smoking-bear problem, so Sugar Bear falls into the Bad column.

Mr. Mini-Wheat: I know, I know. Mini-wheats are a kiddie cereal like Marilyn Manson is a kindergarten teacher. But Mini-wheats do have an animated mascot. I'm not entirely sure why. Most adults aren't all that into animated characters unless these characters happen to live in a fictional city named Springfield. That doesn't appear to be discouraging Kellogg's one bit, however. But enough about the raison d'etre of Mr. Mini-wheat, and more about his character. This is one messed up animated mascot. He's got neuroses enough to make Woody Allen proud. Of course, having your back coated in sugary frosting is likely going to be hard on anyone, not to mention going through life looking like a throw cushion made of shredded wheat. Mr. Mini-wheat is really rather Bad.

Count Chocula: I'm not clear on something here. Is the Count a vampire or not? He sure looks like a total ripoff of the Dracula motif, while at the same time borrowing from Sesame Street's Count. I just want to know what marketing idiot at General Mills decided that a vampire was just the thing to sell cereal to children. When I was a kid I didn't love vampires at all. I remember seeing part of this movie at a friend's place when I was like six or so, it was about vampires and space travel and to a six year old it was very disturbing. But I digress. Count Chocula goes back to the mid seventies, which is well before the whole Anne Rice thing started (hmm, anyone for a bowl of Anne Rice Crispies?), so he scores points for longevity. And let's face it, the whole Count Chocula thing works, on some strange inexplicable level. And I need at least one mascot on this page that I can call Good.