Breakfast Cereal Mascots

by Marko Peric

There is no shortage of choice when one takes the time to peruse the cereal aisle at the local neighbourhood ubermart. And we're not even talking about the alternative cereals that one might find the health food aisle (anyone for a nice big bowl of Spelt Flakes?). For the moment let us ignore the adult cereals, and look instead at those staples of the breakfast hour, the children's cereals. From the urbane to the inane to the insane (why is the first ingredient sugar?) cereal marketed to kids has one constant — the mascot. Just as cartoons are used to market toys, so are mascots used to sell cereal.

On the off chance you hadn't figured it out, or hadn't read the title of the page, I'm going to be rating breakfast cereal mascots. This has nothing to do with the cereals themselves, it's all about the mascots. Expect a part II of this soon, there are more than enough mascots for one page.

Toucan Sam: I'm going to be generous here and not harp on the fact that Toucan Sam represents a cereal named Froot Loops, and how this is teaching a generation of children to spell "fruit" wrong. Well, not harp about it any more than I already have. I don't have any glaring problems with Mr. Sam (do you refer to an animated bird as Mr? Anyone feel like helping me out here?), and his nose-following ways, although in my experience, you have be to really close to a bowl of Froot Loops to smell it. I guess I don't have Sam's sense of smell. Also, I don't have a bunch of precocious nephews that call me uncle. Hmm. Toucan Sam. Uncle Sam. That's about a subtle as a sawed-off shot gun. Anyone for a bowl of American nationalism? Get it now before the milk turns Bad.

Snap, Crackle, and Pop: You might find it amusing to know that yes, not only has Kellogg's has registered the domain name snapcracklepop.com, they've also build a rather bandwidth hungry site dedicated to flogging the aforementioned mascots and their crispy rice cereal. Is it just me, or do Snap and Crackle have about as much personality as a can of creamed corn? Everyone knows which one Pop is, but I'm willing to bet most people can't tell Snap from Crackle. I know I can't. The lack of a distinct personality has got to be almost as vexing on a cereal mascot as going through life with a moniker like Crackle. But before I get too deeply into psychoanalyzing animated mascots, what is with Pop's outfit? Is he supposed to be a marching band leader or something? And while we're asking questions, what's with those hats? This trio is so all over the map, it's just plain Ugly.

Tony the Tiger: I like Tony the Tiger, but I do have an issue with his name. He's a tiger. It's like Conan the Barbarian or Ed the Sock. Do we really need to be reminded what manner of creature we're dealing with here? That caveat aside, Tony is a veritable ubermascot. He's big, strong, and he encourages kids to get up off the couch and go snowboarding. He's not cute. He's not silly. He's not your average run of the mill mascot. In case you haven't guessed, Tony the Tiger is Good.

The Trix Rabbit: This one isn't hard. This rabbit is one sad rodent. The whole "Trix are for kids" thing must have him pretty well on edge. Who wouldn't be at wits end after years and years of being taunted by a bunch of bratty, non-cereal-sharing kids? I want to see the Trix Rabbit flip out and go postal, waving an AK-47 and screaming "bullets are for kids too!" But that isn't likely to happen, alas. I've been told that the poor rabbit should get a favourable rating out of sheer pity. That just points out that the rabbit is Bad.

Lucky: If you thought I was harsh with the other mascots, just wait until you read this. Lucky is just plain awful. As an almost-half Irish-Canadian I don't appreciate my racial heritage being corrupted to sell a children's breakfast cereal. And the fact that Lucky is about as competent as a UN weapons inspector in Iraq makes it even worse. Then you throw in the realization that the kids are always after his charms and that comes off as ever so slightly twisted. Lucky is just a rainbow-ending pot of Ugly.