All The Small Things, Vol. III

Way back in 2002, I wrote up a rant about things that bothered me. Then last year I ranted about more things that bothered me. And while apostrophe abuse remains an appalling blight that needs to be exterminated like a dirty cockroach, and my hatred for the Tempur-Pedic logo still burns with the fire of a thousand suns, there are still more new things that bother me. And so these are the new additions to my catalogue of annoyances.

Diet Soft Drinks: I remember the good ol' days, back when the only diet flavours of pop were cola. Whether it be Diet Pepsi, Diet Coke, or Tab, ultimately there wasn't much difference, just like there isn't a wild difference between Coke and Pepsi. Now that I've offended all the Pepsi purists and Coke zealots, what is the deal with the insane selection of diet soda available now? I was at a event the other evening, and there were more diet drink options available than non-diet. I'm not kidding. Diet Pepsi, Diet ginger ale, Coke Zero, diet generic sprite equivalent, and, horror of horrors, diet A&W Root beer.

There is much that could be said about the sheer insanity of both Coca-Cola and Pepsi producing two separate and somehow distinct diet versions, but the mere existence of diet root beer is a crime against flavour. Root beer is supposed to be cloyingly sweet in the way that can only be achieved by sugar, not sucralose, aspartame nor some other low calorie abomination. Having accidentally purchased diet root beer in the past, I know the disappointment.

But people want to enjoy pop without all the calories, the diet soda sippers say. Well, people may want a lot of things, but that doesn't mean such things are reasonable or good. There's no enjoyment in diet soda. Most of them just taste wrong, and that's being generous. It's like vegan lasagna or fat-free ice cream in the category of things that should not be.

I have a solution, though. Since the soft drink companies insist on making this dreck, obviously people must be buying it. So everyone out there who isn't diabetic or morbidly obese, stop buying diet pop. But if you feel you really must save the 90 calories, please, please don't bring your diet pop to share. The majority of us who like to actually to taste our pop (with all the sugar) will thank you.

Red Light Runners: Not to be confused with Dexy's Midnight Runners, and far more persistent, I speak of course about the fools who insist on punching through intersections when the light has already passed from yellow to red. I'm not talking about the people who happen to be halfway though the crossing when the light changes on them, I'm talking about the people who enter the intersection a full second or two after the light has already turned. If you should happen to be a guilty party — STOP DOING THIS.

I do have a two pronged solution for this problem. First, that the police should stop worrying about people driving 90 km/h on highways designed for cars to move at 120 km/h, but which are zoned at 70 km/h. Second, the police bring their fully charged tasers to busy intersections. You run the red light, you get pulled over, ticketed, and for good measure, tased. That should help change behavior patterns.

Missing Bread Tags: Like most people, I eat bread pretty much every day. Frequently I take a sandwich to work, which I generally pack in a bread bag, closed with a simple bread tag. This is a simple piece of plastic that weighs less than a gram. So why is it that when I remove the bread tag from the bag, the tag will frequently vanish? It's almost as if they come to life and scurry away so I can't find and reuse them. I don't have a solution for this, but it drives me crazy. Thankfully there's usually a dozen of them in one of the kitchen drawers, just waiting to be taken out and used, and then scurry off once more.