2007 Academy Awards Speed Ratings

Like the Wilhelms, winter Olympic sports, and whining about Canada's national broadcaster, a speed rating of the Academy Awards is a tradition at Dontmindme.com. The show may have been a little weak and short on surprises this year, but that's fine with us. It just makes us a bit more stingy with Good ratings. In keeping with Oscar speed rating tradition, there's no in-depth analysis, just quick reactions and comments. I'm not going to say who said what, because there's just too much to go through. Hold on for the ride.

The Nominees Intro: Wow, that was long. Was every single nominee in there once? And why was Peter O'Toole in there three times? Bad.

Jack Nicholson's shaved head: It's not the Oscars without Jack, but he's put on weight and with the shaved head he looks a bit like Jabba the Hutt. Plus they kept showing him again and again. Ugly.

Ellen's monologue: Slow, almost painful start, but she got better. Good.

Ellen's outfit: Where does one find a fuscia velour pansuit anyway? And with bright white shoes? Ugly.

Ellen's musical number: A trambourine and a choir? How random and odd. Bad.

Steve Carell is diverse: Well, he did kill a man with a trident. And his facial reaction was Good.

Daniel Craig has Vulcan ears: Seriously, he does. And he apparently doesn't want to be 007 any more? That's too Bad.

Maggie Gyllenhaal is twitchy: No one else seemed to think so, but she totally was. I hope she wasn't at the technical awards dinner. Bad.

The silhouettes behind the screen: The first one was weird and unexpected, some of them were neater afterwards, once we had an explanation. Good.

Will Farrell and Jack Black do a song: And they go John C. Reilly up there too, and they all took the opportunity to hit on Helen Mirren. Will's hair notwithstanding, this was really Good.

Ellen "off camera" backstage: Lame. Bad.

The kids presenting for shorts: A little cheesy, but cute. Good.

Sound Effects Choir: That was neat. Good.

Steve Carell and Greg Kinnear make fun of sound editing: And then they get muted. How predictable. Bad.

Alan Arkin almost leaves his Oscar on the stage: Sure, the thing might weigh as much as a gallon of milk, but you don't put it down for a 45 second speech. Bad.

James Taylor looks really old: But at least he doesn't look as scary as Melissa Etheridge, or as Ugly.

Al Gore: So maybe he's the climate change champion, but he's still boring. And if he wants to run for President again, he'd best lose some weight. He's packed on almost as many pounds as Nicholson. Bad.

Ellen's recycled jokes: Gilligan's Island? Seriously? There's recycled and there's dreged up from ancient history. Lame and Bad.

Writer Montage: Kinda interesting, I guess. Good.

Ellen's Oscar Carrier: That was funny, especially after Arkin. Good.

Tom Cruise: He presented a humanitarian award to Sherry Lansing, who everyone there seems to have heard of. At least Tom didn't jump up on the podium. Good for him.

Ellen gets Clint Eastwood's picture: And gets Speilberg to take it. Good.

Robert Downey Jr. on visual effects: The "typical weekend in the mid '90s" joke was funny. Good.

Cate Blanchette's dress: I have no idea who designed it, but it looked like something Seven of Nine from Star Trek Voyager might wear to an awards show. Bad.

Ellen goes to play with the interpretive dancers: Hey, how else was Snakes on a Plane going to get mentioned at the Oscars? Good.

Jerry Seinfeld presents: And he's as funny as ever. Good to see him again.

Clint Eastwood might be losing it: But he apparently can translate Italian on the fly, so Good for him.

Ennio Morricone's honourary Oscar: When presented with an honourary award, be sure to give a long speech in a foreign language. Bad.

Penelope Cruz's dress: When selecting a dress, go for something that makes you look like you are wearing a squid. Ugly.

Dreamgirls up for three songs: And so they do all three back to back, but still Melissa Etheridge wins with worst song of the night (and it sounds like all of her other songs to boot). Bad.

Michael Mann's America montage: Kinda long and pointless, and enough with the montages already. Bad.

Helen Mirren wins Best Actress: Good speech by a Good actress.

Forest Whitaker wins Best Actor: As expected by pretty much everyone. Sometimes the sure bet is a Good thing.

Martin Scorsece wins Best Director: If there was an award for scariest eyebrows, he have won that one years ago. Good.

Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton present Best Picture: Jack might be shaven and heavy, but Diane looks pretty Good for 61.

The Departed wins Best Picture: Well, it was the movie of the night. There's always something. Good, I suppose.

Bonus Fun Fact: I counted a total of 16 camera pans to Jack Nicholson , and that's not including when he presented, or when he was featured in montages.