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It is not untrue to say that there are many things in our universe which
were never meant to go hand in hand. Each of us can think of several pairs
of polar opposites that nature presents such as fire and ice, light and
dark, and Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett. These things cannot coexist,
and when they try there is usually disaster for one or the other, if not both.
Science has taught us to avoid most of these combinations, yet there
are a few that we just won't give up. Examples are the overweight hairy
European man and his Speedo, the elderly and Viagra, as well as Rod Black
and television cameras. Every day we run into new combinations that just
don’t work, and all of humanity has the responsibility nay, the
mandate, to learn from these things and spread the newfound truth.
My story takes place several years ago. I had just visited my lovely girlfriend
(who is now my wife) in Cape Breton for Christmas, but sadly the trip
had to end. Now I had to make my way back to PEI from Cape Breton for
work, and possibly school (I didn’t go all that often, so I wasn’t
sure at the time if I could qualify school as a reason for going home).
It was a long drive ahead, leaving my girl behind, with only myself, and
my trusty '89 Dodge Colt.
Naturally, I gassed up, and as per my routine on a long trip I purchased
a snack and a beverage — specifically a delicious Fruit Integration
Fruitopia to slake my thirst on the trip. The first third of my trip went
swimmingly, I cruised along, successfully making it out of Nova Scotia
(the ferry service direct to PEI doesn't run at that time of year) and
entered New Brunswick without incident. . . that is, up to this point.
1:08 PM
Just after the toll booth I felt a sudden sensation, and internal
alarms started ringing. I had to go. By now, I was close to 12 minutes
into the stretch, and had no hope of turning back. The shoulder was piled
high with snow, so there was nowhere to pull over, and even if I did,
I would need gear and a few highly trained Sherpas to guide me the top
of old’ Mount Spring-a-Leak that the plows had created on the side
of the road. So I did what any red blooded Canadian man would have done.
I convinced myself I could hold it.
1:13 PM
Never had I suffered like this, and I have attended a Jan Arden
concert where she openly talked about her own sex life. I was ‘holding’
it as best I could, loosening the belt to avoid pressure on the bladder,
thinking about the Sahara desert, and the dryness thereof, but nothing
seemed to help. I needed a solution fast, and I didn’t see any Sherpas
on the horizon.
1:14 PM
Desperation begins to set in. . .what do I do? Frantically I searched
the car with my eyes and then I catch two words: Fruit Integration.
1:20 PM
Traffic has been bad, and it was imprudent to try, but now a break in
the traffic! I reach into the back seat for the Fruitopia bottle, uncap
it, and loose the fly. Just before I give the command to launch, I notice
a few things:
1. "The car has bucket seats.
2. Who’s going to drive the car?
3. How do I watch the road while maintaining aim?
1:21 PM
Solutions finally present themselves. I had to stand up on my heels while
still maintaining pressure on the gas and supporting my body weight with
my head and shoulders against the seat for support. Picture a really awkward
front-seat-of-a-small-car pelvic thrust. Then, I grabbed the steering
wheel with both knees, enabling me to maintain a straight course while
freeing up my hands to move my bulky jacket, sweater, and jeans enough
to make this all happen.
1:22 PM
I never understood Lloyd Christmas in Dumb and Dumber
when he said “I can’t stop it. . .it stings!” Well,
I never understood until then. Apparently a Fruitopia bottle holds less
liquid than a full human bladder. At least, my bladder, anyway.
1:23 PM, 48 seconds
I capped the bottle, and chucked it out the window musing that someone
really thirsty might stumble across some apple juice. Unsure about the
proper protocol after stopping mid-stream, I zippered up and slowly sat
down, beginning to feel a little proud of my accomplishment. It’s
just like us, right guys? It doesn’t matter how we get the job done,
as long as it gets done, eh?
1:23 PM, 59 seconds
Finally I am sitting, back to normal and driving along at a normal pace.
My bladder though, was yet unhappy. Unhappy about my attempt to return
its product and in turn, did not accept it. Instead it just sent it back
out. Yes, it sent it back out.
1:24 PM
Swerving all over the road now, my car was switching lanes without me
signaling or even looking at the road. I was far more occupied with the
fact that I just peed all over myself and the seat of my car. It was at
this point I realized that I didn’t handle this very well. I could
have caused a major pile-up had traffic been worse, and my only excuse
would have been“I’m sorry officer, but you see I peed inside
of my pants and all over my car.”
1:25 PM
I realize that I should have pulled over earlier. Even though I am wet
and stinking of urine, I know that I had learned something that day, and
had come very close to being successful in what would have one of the
greatest accomplishments of my life.
You see, that day I learned something very valuable. Another of our universes
major polarized actions were revealed that day. Never, never attempt to
urinate while you're at the controls of any motorized vehicle. I don’t
care whether it’s a Power Wheels car or a multi-billion dollar space
shuttle, do not attempt to pee into a Fruitopia bottle while piloting
it.
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