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Tonight On Fox?
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| by Brian MacDonald |
| Does
anyone out there remember the Fox Network’s Celebrity Boxing?
Only vaguely? Maybe that’s because their main event was Tonya Harding
vs. Paula Jones. Perhaps they should have went with match-ups that made
sense. We should have seen opponents with some kind of natural rivalry finally
facing off against each other. Here at Dontmindme.com we don't have the
resources to stage a celebrity boxing event, but if we could, here are a
few matches we'd like to see.
The Canadian Tire Couple versus Santa and Scrooge If you live in Canada, you know exactly who I’m talking about. For twenty years, Christmas time meant seeing Canadian Tire commercials featuring two classic fictional characters with the slogan “Give like Santa. Save like Scrooge.” Then along came Mr. and Mrs. Perfect who own every gadget The Tire has ever produced. There is already enough hate literature about this couple on the Internet, so there’s no need for more here. This match would be the battle for Christmas advertising. At first glance, this may not appear fair. Santa and Scrooge are both old men fighting against the younger couple who also have many electric weapons at their disposal. But let’s not forget — this is Santa we’re talking about. Anybody who can pull a B&E at every house on the planet in one night has got to have a few tricks stored away in that sack of his. Plus they’re the sentimental favourites. We’ll give the nod to Santa and Scrooge. Jared versus That Other Subway Guy Turns out that other guy’s name is Jim. That’s all I could get. This could be an interesting match-up. Here are two guys who are competing for the Subway advertising. Oddly, one is very much the antithesis of the other. Jared is clean-shaven, mild-mannered, polite, and concerned with fat content. Jim is scruffy, loud, brash, and concerned with taste. These two have had a run-in already once before. In one commercial, Jim is chatting up his sub, while Jared keeps interrupting him with his incessant yammering about 6 grams of fat. This irritates Jim (and us) to no end. So there’s some animosity here. But ultimately it doesn’t matter who wins this bout, because Clay Henry could whip them both. Tony the Tiger versus Chester Cheetah Let's stick with advertising but move on to animate characters. The cartoon felines are not hawking the same, or even remotely similar products this time though. In fact, you couldn't get much more different within the category of food. Breakfast cereal versus snack food. On one side you’ve got Tony the Tiger. He promotes healthy, active living (despite the fact that his product is ‘frosted’). He’s out to be a fine role model for kids. He’s the kind that would be the perfect Big Brother. Then you’ve got Chester. This guy thinks he’s the coolest. The cat’s meow, if you’ll allow the pun. He prides himself on being a slacker. And he’s promoting cheesies. Not exactly a parent’s delight here. Given the size difference between the two, their attitudes, and the fact that Tony the Tiger is in wicked physical condition, he wins this one before it even begins. That is, if Chester even bothers to show up in the first place. The Munsters versus The Addams Family This would be a colossal match. I had to do some research on this one, as I was not a watcher of either show. I had always assumed that one show copied the other. Nope. They both premiered within a week of each other in 1964. They also both ended their initial runs within a month of each other in 1966. Here we have two families of creepy weirdoes, doing weirdo things. This would at least promise to be very entertaining. I’m thinking that Thing would be instrumental in this match, but really, there are too many variables and it's too close to call. Ultimately, we have to wonder how would they fare against another family of even creepier weirdoes: The Osbournes. Other Potential Matchups Gary Coleman versus Emmanuel Lewis |
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