Tales of Christmas Past

I believed in Santa for quite a while. I think I was about 12 when I found out that he really didn't exist. I never chose to believe that even though Santa's writing looked a lot like Mom's, it could ever be hers. Santa was real. There was proof in my childhood mind. . . and a lot of work on the part of my parents. We would go to bed on Christmas Eve with the rule that if you for whatever reason had to get up during the night, you could not go past the living room. When we woke up in the morning, we could go and look at stuff and anything not wrapped was fair game, but we had to wake Mom and Dad up before we started opening anything. I remember making cookies for Santa and having carrots for the reindeer. I can even remember hearing bells jingling outside the house and hearing Santa yelling "Ho Ho Ho." I can even remember hearing thumping on the roof, which means my Dad may have been up on our roof on Christmas Eve thumping around. I wonder what our neighbours thought. Can you imagine looking out your window and seeing your one of your neighbours on the roof stomping around, while his wife was running around the house in the snow jingling a tambourine? I need to congratulate them on their efforts, that's some serious dedication!

I remember when I was really young whenever my Mom would have, um, flatulence, she would claim that it was elves zipping around the house, making sure I'm being good.

One year we were having a lot of people over for Christmas dinner, maybe about 25 people and we got a massive turkey. We let the thing defrost for three days. On Christmas Eve we discovered that the turkey wouldn't fit in our roaster pan, but it was Christmas Eve and of course there were no stores open at that hour. So Mom just jammed the thing in there, legs hanging over the side, then cut the legs off and put them in another pan to cook. On Christmas morning we were up and opening gifts and we could hear this sizzling type noise and we couldn't figure out what it was until I went to look in the kitchen and I could see flames inside the oven window! I yelled "FIRE!" and Mom and Dad came running. Mom dug through a cupboard for baking soda to throw on the turkey while Dad reached over the flames and unplugged the oven. We waited for the flames to die down and we took the turkey out. Mom looked inside. There was still a chunk of ice inside the turkey and as it melted, the juices had overflowed the already packed roaster and spilled onto the heating element. . . and, well, you know the rest. The turkey was black. We were expecting 25 people in a matter of hours. So, they did the only logical thing — drain as much ice out as possible and carve the blackened meat off the turkey. . . and, of course, put it back in the oven. Not 20 minutes later the thing was on fire again. We repeated the whole process again, carving the turkey, again, and cooked it until our guests arrived. Ever heard of twice-baked potatoes? How about twice-baked turkey?

My mom usually puts 'necessities' in our stockings like our favourite shampoo, deodorant, etc. The conventional stocking doesn't really have a lot of room for big bottles and stuff, so one year we came out to find pantyhose. . . the 'rear' part of the pantyhose sitting nicely on a chair, with the legs filled with shampoo and stuff dangling down to the floor. I kinda forgot how weird it was until my husband spent a Christmas there and was slightly freaked out about the body-less legs hanging on furniture in our living room. They've been a regular tradition at our house now for several years. Mom recommends the "control top" in queen size.

I hope these thoughts and ramblings remind you of your Christmas past and put you in the festive spirit for the upcoming holidays. I know I'll be listening intently for farting elves and cautiously watching the stove for turkey fires. Don't forget to spy on your neighbours on Christmas Eve for their Santa antics and if you happen to have a video camera that would be most helpful.

So, from all of us at Dontmindme, have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.