How to Mess With People, Volume I

If you're a regular reader of this site, you know that I like pranks. Not that I pull all that many pranks, mind you (although last year on April Fool's Day I had my boss briefly convinced that I was quarantined due to SARS), but even the plotting of a brilliant practical joke can be highly entertaining. Sometimes, though, a prank isn't exactly what the situation calls for. Sometimes you just want to mess with people. When that's the case, you might want to try out one of these suggestions.

A quick disclaimer: Dontmindme.com does not suggest that you carry out any of these activities. Any trouble you might get into from doing any of the following is your own fault.

Follow student drivers: This is simplistic and cruel all at once. Don't tailgate or do anything idiotic like that. Do you really want to be tailgating a student driver anyway, as if that's not a recipe for disaster? Just find a student driver and follow them around. The best place to find student drivers are around high schools just after 3 pm. Just look for a domestic mid sized sedan with decals on the doors. Don't be too eager, you aren't trying to cause an accident here. Just maintain a healthy distance, maybe even a car or two back if possible. And then follow. Nice, simple, legal, and almost certain to eventually freak out the student driver and the instructor. The best part about this one is that if the target starts driving erratically, or you just get tired of it, simply take the next turn and leave them wondering if you actually were following them at all.

Do the time warp: This can really only be done in October or in April. It's most easily done if you work with the public, and you will be working on Saturday. Just casually mention to people, instead of goodbye "Don't forget to turn your clocks back (or ahead, if it's April)." Be confident and act as if you are just reminding them. If they question you on it, you can reassure them that yes, daylight savings time ends this weekend. If they are adamant, you can just say "I guess someone told me wrong." It's very easy to do this one, and while most people will probably check on it before changing their clocks, you'll still have messed with their heads with almost no effort.

Shop from other people's carts: This is a bit trickier, and it requires a touch of aggression, a modicum of chutzpah, and considerable stealth. It works best in a reasonably crowded supermarket. Look for people that leave their carts unattended for at least a few seconds, and when you see an item that you want, grab it and go. People tend to get very possessive of stuff in their carts, even when there's fifty more of the same item not half an aisle away, so you have to be quick. I recommend a basket instead of a cart, since that gives you greater mobility, allowing for a strategic strike manoeuvre. Snatch that dijon mustard and scram. If one was bold enough, however, a full cart of groceries will allow you to conceal your purloined items among other items. If boldness allows, you can be ever so casual as your fill your entire grocery order from the carts of others.

Traumatize hitchhikers: This works best if you have access to a big black car or some other equally intimidating four-door vehicle. You want the car to be clean, almost too clean. It's vital that it be a four door, though. You'll probably want another person with you on this particular one. Dress all in black. This is also vital. If you can wear a black cowboy hat without looking ridiculous, it will add to the atmosphere. Dark sunglasses may also help. The final vital item is a CD with the song "The End" by the Doors. If you aren't familiar with it, it is easily the most disturbing and just plain creepy song you may ever hear. Oh, and it's over eleven minutes long. You can find it on their self-titled debut, or on pretty well any Doors compilation that's any good. Now, go out and look for a hitchhiker. When you see one, take note of the time, you will have just over 11 minutes. Start the song, not loud, but noticeable, when your hitchhiker gets in the car. Now the key is to say as little as possible. If possible say nothing. Communication by nods and glances can be highly effective. This is where it's especially helpful to have two people, as one can say a few words, and the other can remain completely silent. You'll want to get moving right away, before your mark starts to freak and hops out. Power door locks can help here. You have to remain completely stoic the whole time, as if picking up hitchhikers while dressed all in black and listening to "The End" is perfectly normal for you. As the song progresses, you might want to slowly turn up the volume little by little. Drive until the song ends, then as it does, stop and let your hitchhiker out. They'll be so glad you didn't murder them that they'll be telling the story for years to come.