So there I was at Burger King, waiting in line for my Double Whopper with cheese and bacon and poutine on top Super Value Meal when the little retarded boy who took my order asks me "Would 'ou wike to be da kig ob da wuld for de day?"

To this I replied "Can someone please translate for my little friend here?" No sooner did I speak than the manager of the Burger King scurried over with a mop for my little friend and a translation for me. "What Corky was trying to say was 'Would you like to be King of the World for a Day?' it’s a new promotional offer we have here at Burger King."

"Who wouldn’t?" I replied, waiting for an answer — just long enough until Mr. Manager thought I really wanted him to tell me, and then I said "Sign me up." So he did, and so I am — King for a Day that is. The corporate execs at BK insisted that I release a Proclamation as they call it so that they can publish it, or use it in their commercials or something. Here goes. . .

Greetings, I am Mike the newly appointed King of the World for a day. This naturally comes as a bit of a surprise to me as I am just an ordinary Canadian guy without the prerequisites for being a King. I mean, I entered the sweepstakes at Burger King and all, but I never ever thought that I would actually win the opportunity to be the King of the World for a day. I mean who at Burger King has the influence to arrange this sort of thing anyway? It almost doesn’t seem right. Then again, I am not one to look the gift-horse in the mouth, so I had better put on this paper crown they have given me and start making some big changes!

1. All of those whom are known to be Computer Nerds, take heed: No longer will thou be allowed to consider thineselves computer gods, for ye forget thine place. Thou shalt be known as Nerds, for that is how the good Lord made you to be.
2. All of those who refer to any sporting team (with Kingly emphasis on the Maple Leafs of Toronto) as "their team" without owning a majority share in the franchise shall be whipped with twelve monkey tails for three hours or until they renounce ownership of relevant sporting team.
3. I lovest the whales, yet they must go.
4. T-Shirts mayest only be worn iffith they bear the emblem of a hilarious saying, phrase, or picture.
5. All Americans, all French, and all of the hated Dutch shall now only adorn their heads with the branding mullet. They shall be seen, and known by their mullets. Take heed all ye nations, be aware of those with the sign of the south — the sign of the mullet!
6. Lemmings, not lions shall henceforth be referred to as the Kings of the Wild.
7. All of those with the last name Bush shall be moved immediately to the yet-to-be-constructed Moon Base.
8. Cartoons shall only be drawn by the hand, without the use of the computer.
9. The Yankees of New York shall now wear jerseys which shall be lime green and emblazoned with the image of their coach — Satan.
10. Russia must be greatly reduced in size. . . for the threat yet looms too large.
11. A rainforest will be planted where Vatican City once existed.
12. Australia will return to its roots, and shall be made into a penal colony inhabited by criminals, the insane, and all of those with mullets.
13. The former United States of America will be transformed into a parking lot.
14. Thy king doth miss dinosaurs, hence they shall be brought back.
15. All dinosaurs will only make their domicile on the predetermined penal colony, and possibly the former city of San Diego if things go amiss.
16. Disco.
17. Thy king shall own the NBA.
18. The headlight game shall be known as pa-diddle only, with no other name.
19. Slippy shall henceforth be a true and proper word.
20. Michael Moore shall have the rule of the United Parking Spaces of America.
21. Tom Cruise must come out.
22. Free Masons must tell all, and then we all shall laugh at them and their glorified tree house club.
23. Pregnancy shall be a privilege, not an option. There shall be far fewer mullets this way.
24. Foxy Boxing shall now be an Olympic sport.
25. OJ shall get what cometh for him
26. University students must take a course on how university is not the answer to life.
27. University professors shall from now on and evermore care.
28. There shall be no more rent.
29. All speedos shall be burned in one skimpy little revolting pile, including those who are at the time wearing them. Great shall be the burnination thereof.
30. The makers of the fried chicken of Kentucky must remove the addictive chemicals from said fried chicken.
31. There shall be an "average fat man Olympics" which shall receive more television coverage than the regular Olympics.