Movie Trailers Playing With Spiderman 2

Last week the single biggest movie of the summer arrived in theatres with much fanfare and merchandising and a video game and all that. And yes, I was one of only a few hundred thousand people that actually went to see the midnight showing, which is actually a first for me. While the movie itself was undeniably awesome and well worth the lack of sleep, the trailers that played in front of it were somewhat less than awesome. The general concept behind trailers is to encourage people to go and see the movies being promoted. These did not do that. So while every other website that has anything to say about media and pop culture will be doing a review of Spiderman 2, here at Dontmindme.com we're doing a Good/Bad/Ugly rating of the movie trailers that played with it. This will of course contain as many spoilers as the trailers themselves, so if you really want to see these movies with no preformed impression, stop reading right here.

Anacondas: The Hunt For the Blood Orchid: Remember Anaconda? It featured a huge snake in the Amazon rainforest, and actors Owen Wilson, Jon Voight, Ice Cube, Eric Stolz, Danny Trejo, and of course the then not-so-famous Jennifer Lopez. These are people most of us have heard of. Seven years later, we have Anacondas, and the train of thought that leaps to mind runs thusly: They made a sequel to Anaconda? Really? Why? That was a long time ago, and it wasn't great, and I don't think it made that much money. This is going to really tank. I won't watch it. If I was the only person who had this reaction, I'll be quiet, but somehow I doubt it. This movie apparently takes place in Borneo, where there are no anacondas, but rather reticulated pythons. It's about a search for the blood orchid, a supposed "fountain of youth" flower, which means Ponce de Leon was way off when he was looking in Florida. And it featured a cast of absolute nobodies. Seriously, if you've heard of anyone in this cast I'd be shocked. Apparently one of the cast members is Rick Yune's (of Die Another Day and The Fast and the Furious fame) brother. So we have a bunch of nobodies being eaten by giant snakes on the wrong side of the Pacific. Sounds every bit as Bad as the original. Maybe worse.

National Treasure: You know how Alfred Hitchcock used James Stewart in many of his movies, or how Quentin Tarantino likes to use Uma Thurman? Well, Jerry Bruckheimer may not be a director, but Nicholas Cage keeps appearing above the title in his movies. This time he's a treasure hunter named, no word of a lie, Benjamin Franklin Gates, and he's searching for a war chest hidden by the founding fathers. He figures out that the map to this treasure is printed on the back of the Declaration of Independence. Another treasure hunter, played by Sean Bean, is after the chest as well, though, so Nick Cage has to steal the declaration, if only to protect it. Are you following this so far? The trailer goes so far as to show Boromir arriving just in time to see Nick grabbing the Declaration, and that's just enough to make us wonder if it's a shootout or a huge chase that ensues. I'm betting on the latter.
Now you may love or you may hate the Bruckheimer blockbuster, but you have to admit they generally are highly entertaining. And that's a Good thing.

Christmas with the Kranks: Remember Tim Allen? Clumsy handyman, unlikely Santa, pompus-yet-endearing space toy? That Tim Allen? How about Tim Allen as a guy who decides to skip Christmas and take his wife on a tropical vacation because their daughter was going to be away anyway? Then the daughter decides she's coming home for Christmas, and hilarity ensues. You're buying this so far, I assume. It all sounds like a plausible movie for Tim Allen to be in. Oh, and Jamie Lee Curtis, too, she plays the wife. It all makes sense. Well, prepare for the bullet to hit the bone and step into the twilight zone, because this is based on a book called Skipping Christmas by John Grisham. Yes, that John Grisham. Okay, stop scratching your head and asking "Where are the lawyers?" If Stephen King can write the Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile, why can't John Grisham write a book that doesn't feature lawyers? I mean, he's John Grisham, he could write a book about time-travelling leprechauns and someone would still try to make a movie about it. It might get rather Ugly, though.

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle: If you are one of the dozens of people who were disappointed to hear that the rumoured sequel to Dude, Where's My Car? will not be happening, then you will want to camp out overnight for tickets to see this movie. I know, I know, camping out for movie tickets is so five years ago, and now with tickets on the Interweb and all that it really isn't necessary, but if you're that into Dude, Where's My Car then you just might want to. The movie looks like a stupid comedy, the sort of which you'll either love or hate, depending on your taste in comedy. If you're into that sort of thing, though, and you find the notion of Neil Patrick Harris playing himself and stealing a car hilarious, then you'll think this is Good.

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow: Just when you thought that Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle was the worst title of the bunch, we have this abomination. It's a 1940s style action/sci-fi movie, and it looks ridiculous. Apparently it's very heavy on the cgi, which is of course completely against the spirit of 1940s sci-fi. It also features giant flying robots attacking New York City. Why is it always New York, anyway? Either that or Los Angeles, if not both. You'd think that movie people think that the world does not exist outside of New York and LA or something. Finally, this movie also includes Angelina Jolie wearing an eye patch. However, she is not a pirate. At least, I don't think she's a pirate. Wearing an eye patch when you aren't a pirate is just plain Bad in my books.