2004 Academy Awards Speed Rating

by Marko Peric
with notes from Laura Peric, Brian MacDonald, Bonnie Robertson, Troy Barton, Nick Fraser, Mike Thomas, Nancy Thomas, and Matt Anderson

In what's become a tradition here at Dontmindme.com, it's time for the annual speed rating of the Academy Awards. No in depth analysis, just quick reactions and comments. I'm not going to say who said what, because there's just too much to go through. Hold on for the ride.

The Intro: Billy Crystal was inserted into pretty much every movie made last year. The result was funny and rather Good.

Michael Moore gets stomped: Okay, that was hilarious. Guess we know what the Academy thinks of rants about war. Good.

Johnny Depp is Jack Valenti's worst nightmare: What, Jack Sparrow was only a slightly gay pirate? That joke was a tad inside, but very Good.

Billy Crystal sings about Mystic River and Clint Eastwood: That was somewhat funny, and a little forced. Bad.

Billy Crystal just keeps singing: Yes Billy, we know that you're clever, but enough singing. Ugly.

Tim Robbins wins Best Supporting Actor: His speech was a little long, but it was Good.

What on earth was Ian McKellen wearing around his neck: It looked like a six inch long pendant or something. Odd. Bad.

Robin Williams: Off the wall and hilarious as ever. Good.

Sounds of the Oscars: So we can see and hear the winners as they react. Only mostly we hear crowd noise. Meh. Bad.

Michael Douglas: Sunglasses indoors? "Hi, I'm Michael, I'll be your Jack Nicholson for the evening. Where was Jack, anyway? Too Bad he didn't make it.

Nick Cage: Who the heck dressed him? Weird collar, crooked tie. Ugly result.

Marcia Gay Harden and her blue dress: I'm not the one who described her as looking like someone stuffed a pine tree into a baby barn. Funny image, but Ugly.

Renee Zellweger wins Best Supporting Actress: Methinks she thanked everyone she ever met. Bad.

Bob Hope Tribute: Good.

Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson: Or is that Starsky and Wilson? Some shameless plugging, but it was funny. It's all Good.

Two Soldiers director talks to long: And his poor partner doesn't get to say a word. Being bludgeoned to death backstage with an Oscar is Bad.

Was Sting playing a hurdy-gurdy: We figured that must be what it was. Very odd. Ugly instrument.

Why is Liv Tyler wearing Lisa Loeb's glasses: And why was her hair all to one side? Sure, she looked a little geeky, but it's Liv Tyler, so it's all Good.

Okay, that's three songs in a row: Two was bad, three is just Ugly.

Annie Lennox: Annie looks like a dude. Ugly.

What the stars are thinking: It's been done before, but it was great. The Julie Andrews' nipple decoration joke nearly killed me. Good.

Will Smith: Black on black on black, on black. A little too monochrome, but it allowed for a Good joke.

Jennifer Garner and her orange parachute: Okay, so it wasn't a parachute, but still, it was pretty Bad, even for the requisite hot actress who has to go party with the geeks.

Blake Edwards Tribute: The tribute was well deserved, but the wheelchair wall crash stunt was hilarious. Good.

Chernobyl Heart wins best documentary short: I predicted it would win because it has a really Good name.

Fog of War documentary feature guy gets political: It didn't work for Michael Moore, it didn't work for this guy. Bad.

Someone playing a bicycle: And a vacuum cleaner? What is this, Stomp? Bad.

Jack Black and Will Farrell: The acceptance speech song. That was hilarious. Good.

Uma Thurman is wearing, what, a costume from Kill Bill: Well, at least it wasn't Bjork's swan dress. Ugly.

Sofia Coppola wins best original screenplay: She probably figured she wasn't winning best director, so she used the Good speech here.

Adrian Brody: Between the self-depreciation and the breath freshener, he was a hoot. Good.

Peter Jackson: Wins Best Director, thanks his parents. Good move.

Charlize Theron wins Best Actress: Meh. How very predictable. I haven't seen Monster, but from the clips, she looks really Bad.

Sean Penn wins Best Actor: I think it's about time he won. Good.

Lord of the Rings wins Best Picture: And the sweep is complete. Eleven nominations, eleven wins. This film is the little three hour epic that could. Good.