The Things I Learned in Childhood

I learned a lot of things as a child. Sure, there were the things they taught at school — math, science, spelling, but some of the most important things that I learned in childhood are not taught in school. They include the following:

Do not stand directly behind a highly upset pony (it takes a good 3 weeks for a horseshoe bruise to fade).

Neighbourhood bullies are not nearly as tough when you kick them you-know-where.

There's not much traction on those little dressy shoes they make little girls wear. They are NOT suitable for running a slalom course on pavement.

When your older cousin sits you on his skateboard and pushes you down a hill, it's not advisable to stop by dragging your hands on the road.

When you cook eggs in the microwave and you don't put holes in the saran wrap, the eggs will explode. Projectile eggs go much farther than you could imagine.

If you've successfully jumped over the net at the tennis court twice, that's enough, go home, you've jumped well today. There's no need for a third attempt.

Hamsters can survive several days lost in your house without food.

Hot Wheels cars can become serious weapons when airborne.

If you're prone to "throwing bat" in gym, you should really warn your backcatcher, unless you wanted to give him a busted nose.

YOU SHOULD NEVER RIDE A STICK HORSE DOWN THE STAIRS.

You may be able to cram yourself into the dryer, but, it might not be as easy to get out.

The day you "accidentally" let your sister's pet cockatiel out of it's cage is the day it'll fly directly into the wall and get a concussion.

When your grandfather says "pull my finger", you pull it once, lesson learned.

If you and your friends have convinced another kid to climb the highest tree in the neighbourhood, and he gets stuck, don't just leave and go home for supper.

Having worm races in the dead heat of summer will always end in tragedy.

It's your number one priority to get well acquainted with the people at the candy store.

Sparklers are meant for outdoor use.

If your Mom goes away for the weekend and your Dad isn't skilled in the kitchen, McDonald's is the word for this weekend.

If you're riding your bike down a hill, a golf ball wedged in the ground is enough to cause a major accident.

If you get a big knot in your hair, do not cut it out yourself.

Pushing green peas around your plate will not make them disappear.

You should never rescue a drowning bee from your swimming pool or a mouse being chased by a cat.

Playing "rocks" on the lawn is not good for Dad's lawnmower.

Even though lifesavers have a hole in the middle, you can still choke on them (especially the red ones).

Your Mom can set a turkey on fire twice and "it's still good".

You should never sneak up behind your Mom (intentionally or otherwise) while she's vacuuming at the top of a staircase.

If you declare war on the evil twin sisters in the neighbourhood, just remember, they're evil for a reason, they get that from their Mom.

Cookies are good, brownies are better, but fudge is the good stuff.