Fun With Television

Editors note: At Dontmindme.com we accept no responsibility for any possible repercussions from playing the game below. Any loss of balance, blood, friends, employment, or stomach contents is your own fault. And yes, I think Mike has been watching a little too much war coverage.

Ladies and gentlemen, turn on the television right now. You need to warm up the vacuum tubes so that we can play a game together! Believe it or not, at this moment as you are reading this post, I too am reading it, and following along with you in real time. Amazing, huh?

First let's go over the rules:

1) I make the rules, and you follow them.

2) Do not call me until the game is done. It will result in disqualification, and I will be so mad that I may not even answer my phone.

3) You need access to a television and a telephone to properly play this game. Most likely it would be wise to play it alone without roommates or family nearby just so you can save a little face. It'll be our little secret, okay?

Okay now that a few of the ground rules are laid down, let's go back to the television, it should be warmed up by now. Also, take your phone off of the hook or turn off the ringer so that nobody interrupts the game on you. Don't try to call me now, as my phone is off of the hook too, and I won't be able to answer you. If you have a cordless phone, bring it to the TV. If you don't rewire your place so that you can put a jack near the TV, and you should really think about buying a cordless. It's the 21st century already.

Oops, I almost forgot. You will need 2L of orange juice with pulp and extra calcium, 1L of buttermilk, 750ml of Canada Dry ginger ale, 6 gal of water, and 1L of red wine vinegar, preferably Heinz. Also, you will require a funnel, straws, three matches, eighteen regular drinking glasses, a measuring cup, a towel, a bucket, and a clear path to the bathroom.

All set? I sure am. Right on, let's begin. Here's how we are going to play. First, change the channel on the TV to the very first number that is divisible by 20 which results in a whole number. I know what you're thinking: "I didn't know there would be a math test," don't worry, just remember to carry the six. If you have trouble with the math, just go to CNN.

Right on, now, watch this channel for two hours, and every time they use the random words WAR, WEATHER, or UPDATE, or mention the letter C, drink 50ml of orange juice. For every fifth mention of the above you have to drink 100ml of buttermilk; but what are the chances of that happening, right?

2 Hours Later

Whoa, wasn't that rough? Who would have thought. . . I must have gotten sick seven times in that two hour span. . . how about you? Feeling alright?
Ah, the beauty of realtime communication. I hope you didn't have to work today, because you will be here for a while. If you did, then by now I am sure you are sounding sufficiently sick, so give them a call, and tell them you feel you might have SARS, and are voluntarily quarantining yourself — with pay — for 14 days.

Alright, maybe we should just play with commercials. Every time you see a commercial about a drug where it lists side affects, mix Canada Dry, vinegar, and buttermilk into a .5L glass, and down it! Also, every time you take a drink, go up five channels and continue playing. As well, for every car commercial you see, you have to do ten sit ups, but you can't throw up, or else you have to drink a cup of red wine vinegar, and then do it over again.

Each time a TV show cuts away from the program for a commercial break, pick up your phone, and call 1-902-892-8584. Press"2" and wait until an agent picks up, then ask "Is this the escort service?" and hang up when they say no. Once the commercial break is over, increase the volume of your television by 1 unit.

Each time you see a monkey (cartoon or real) you should howl like a gibbon in heat for eight seconds, it is fun, and will take your mind off of the amount of buttermilk being soured by red wine vinegar in your stomach.

Each time you hear a laugh track, light a match and hold it in your hands. You have until the match burns your hand to drink half a cup of water through your nose via a straw. Don't worry, it's not hard. Just think of how you keep the water from flooding into your nose when swimming, and then do the opposite. You'll want to use the towel for the nasal bleeding.

When changing the channel, if you reach a station that is showing static or is having technical difficulties, you must phone a trusting friend, and lie to them that you have cancer, and are dying. Also do this if you happen across any home improvement or Martha Stewart type programs. By the time you cycle all the way through the channels, you should have a seemingly true rumor spreading through a large circle of friends. What a larf! I'm telling you, you won't have to cook for weeks with all of the hams that will be dropped off.

If you don't have cable and/or you exhaust your circle of friends, phone the same friends starting from the top telling them that you now only have three days to live, until you reach a non-static channel. Now this will undoubtedly result in people visiting, or wanting to visit but tell them you need time to be alone and 'reflect'. This will always work.

You've been remembering to put the volume up after every commercial break, right? If so, by now the television should be at an abnormally high volume level, so the neighbours will be calling. Each time they call, increase the volume by two units, and drink 1L of H2O. You will definitely be sick, but save it in the bucket.

Once you have filled your bucket, and if you have done it before I am able to, then you win! Give me a call and let me know how it went, and I am sure we will have a great laugh about the crazy, zany antics we went through.

Oh, yeah, you should also call your family and let them know you're alright, and buy your neighbor flowers or something to patch that relationship up as well.

If you played this and didn't enjoy it, then I am sorry, but don't mind me, I'm just a guy who likes games.