Lies Our Parents Told Us

I can't decide if it's sad or ironic that one of the most prevalent symbols of the holiday season is based almost entirely on a lie. This is a widespread and highly ridiculous lie, but children almost everywhere are fed this lie year after year. The falsehood in question is of course the story of a jolly man in a red suit who delivers presents to good children all around the world. He travels in a flying sleigh pulled by reindeer and while he might be on the chubby side of obese, he commits unlawful entry via your chimney. He has a penchant for milk and cookies, and considering that he sees you when you're sleeping, possibly voyeurism. It's all the little details that make a story credible.

This is of course only the most marketable of the lies our parents tell us. There's the Easter Bunny, which is equally ridiculous and almost as marketable. There's the Tooth Fairy, the very concept of which is creepy and disturbing. I mean, what does she do with all these discarded teeth? Where does she get the cash to pay for all of them? Someone should inform the US Government that the Tooth Fairy is probably using our discarded enamel to build a weapon of mass destruction. Either that or she's grinding down the teeth to cut cocaine. That would account for her budget.

It's not just parents that are lying to kids. It's society in general pushing these untruths down the throats of kids everywhere. There are countless television specials that assume Santa to be real, and when the media keeps hitting you with the same message, as untrue as this message might be, some part of you starts to believe it. It sure works with MTV, which has sold us such fabrications as the idea that Britney Spears is a talented musician, that Carson Daly isn't a tool, and that the White Stripes are ultra-hip and have songs that are listenable apart from "Seven Nation Army." If one division of Viacom can make us believe all of that, imagine how hard it is to overcome what the entire media working together has done with Santa.

I haven't even touched on all the lies inherent in the education system yet. Remember learning long division with remainders? Then two years later, low and behold, there is no such thing as a remainder any more, now you need to figure out the decimals to three places. The only time you get to use remainders in real life are those times when you have four friends and seventeen Skittles to share between them. I could rant for some time about "You can never start a sentence with because" and "there's no such word as ain't." Because this article is starting to get long, however, I ain't going to do that. Okay, fair enough, ain't does look a little weird in print. The because issue still irritates me, though. I guess I was somewhat of a rebellious child.

When I was a child, though, I never believed in Santa Claus. Ditto for the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. My mother decided when my sister and I were still very young that she wasn't going to participate in this widespread deception. I think honesty is an excellent policy, and because of my upbringing, I have little tolerance for lies. When we have kids, my wife and I are telling them the truth about Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and that Elvis really is dead. Hopefully by that time we won't need to tell them about Britney Spears.

Some of you are probably saying that this is a terrible, terrible thing, and that I was denied a vital and basic part of my childhood, and I never truly experienced the magic of Christmas, and to do the same with my kids is a travesty. I disagree. I loved Christmas just as much as everyone else, as I still do. Christmas isn't about Santa Claus and presents and other lies. It's about the birth of the Son of God. That's the truth. That's the Christmas my kids are going to know.