Mocking the Headlines

Newspapers

by Marko Peric

This is something new to this site. I'm going to post some news headlines and mock them. Simple and direct. Not a new idea overall, mind you, but new to this site. So I wasn't particularly inspired to come up with something wildly original tonight. We'll see how it goes.

Bush proposes new anti-terror agency WASHINGTON — In the aftermath of intelligence lapses, President Bush proposed creation Thursday of a Cabinet post for homeland security that would swallow up scores of federal agencies — including customs, immigration, the Secret Service and the Federal Emergency Management Agency.

The new agency will be called the Office of Big Brother.

Napster files for bankruptcy SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — Napster Inc. filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy Monday, seeking court protection from creditors as music industry heavyweight Bertelsmann AG takes over what's left of the Internet music-swapping service.

Looks like we have a strong contender for the Who Cares 'Bout That Any More award.

'N Sync's Bass cleared for space flight MOSCOW (AP) — The world's next would-be space tourist, Lance Bass of boy band 'N Sync, said Friday that Russian space doctors have cleared him for a flight to the International Space Station aboard a Russian rocket, a journey he hopes to make this fall.

This one is a bit out of date now, but I can't pass up commenting on it. First, why does Lance Bass need more publicity? Not only is he with a completely crappy, and therefore wildly popular band, he starred in a movie last fall. He needs more attention like China needs a baby boom. Second, Russia has space doctors? I thought Russia was on the verge of falling apart, I mean they had a hard time winning a war against Chechnya of all places, and organized crime is spiraling out of control, but they have space doctors?!?!! What exactly is a "space doctor" anyway? I keep picturing the Emergency Medical Hologram from Star Trek: Voyager.

Couple marries in shark-infested aquarium SINGAPORE (AP) — A scuba-diving couple got married in a shark-filled tank on Tuesday to protest the rising demand for the Chinese delicacy, shark fin soup, which environmentalists claim is leading to sharks' decimation.

And no, it wasn't on Fear Factor. But look for footage this July, when Fox airs World's Stupidest Protests. Who wants to save the sharks? Some people obviously haven't watched Jaws enough times.

Ex-councillor raises a ruckus over royal rules TORONTO — Did you know that Canada's official head of state — the British monarch — is barred from being Roman Catholic? Tony O'Donohue knows it — and wants the "outdated" rule changed to reflect 21st-century Canada, where it's estimated that upwards of 40% of the population is Catholic. So O'Donohue, a former Toronto councilor, mounted a court challenge against the Crown in an attempt to sever Canada's ties to a 301-year old British statute.

Okay, this guy has too much time on his hands.

Entwistle died of coke-induced heart attack LAS VEGAS (AP) — John Entwistle, 57-year-old bass player for the rock band The Who, died from a heart attack caused by cocaine use, the Clark County, Nev., coroner said Thursday.

A musician dies from drug related causes? Say it isn't so!

Moussaoui withdraws guilty plea ALEXANDRIA, Va. (AP) — Zacarias Moussaoui declared Thursday he was guilty of four of six charges accusing him of conspiring with the Sept. 11 hijackers, then abruptly withdrew his attempted plea after arguing with the judge.

Let's get this one clear. Not guilty good. Guilty bad. Got that Zach?

Court Rules 'Barbie Girl' Can Party On LOS ANGELES (Reuters) — Come on, Barbie, let's go party! A legal battle between the world's largest toymaker and the world's largest music company over the world's most famous doll moved closer to conclusion on Wednesday when a federal appeals court in California ruled the 1997 pop hit "Barbie Girl" was a parody protected by the free speech provision of the US Constitution.

It took five years to decide on this? That's two contenders for the Who Cares 'Bout That Any More award.

Bee keeper survives 1,000 stings LINZ, Austria (AP) — A 90-year-old beekeeper was recovering in a hospital Tuesday after suffering 1,000 bee stings, the Austria Press Agency reported.

On a scale of one to ten, that's really got to suck.

Boy's Penis Stitched Back After Donkey Bite RABAT (Reuters) — Surgeons have managed to stitch back a Moroccan boy's penis after it was bitten off by a donkey, the official MAP news agency reported Thursday.

And you thought the previous bee sting item sucked.

Okay, that's enough mockery for now. Join me next time when I rip off Letterman and do a top ten list.