2002 MTV Movie Awards Speed Ratings

I don't watch a lot of awards shows. The Oscars, yes, although I tend to tape them and fast forward at times, because they are just too insanely long. At the other end of the spectrum there's the MTV movie awards. It's irreverent, unpredictable, and like MTV itself, all kinds of fast-paced. At two hours from start to finish, the only stuff I found myself fast forwarding were the commercials. And since I watched it, I might as well do a speed rating.

Spiderman spoof opening: Silly, yes, but very, very funny. Jack Black makes a rather disturbing Spiderman, and he got to kiss Sarah Michelle Gellar. Good for him.

Movies Kick Ass musical number: It took me a while to figure out that those dancers were dressed up as popcorn. And Nicole Kidman got a big kick out of the joke at Tom's expense. So that's Good.

Seann William Scott and Jason Biggs winning best kiss: Unpleasant. And Seann comes running up to the stage in a Harley Davidson T-shirt, I mean I know this is a casual show, but still. All around Bad.

Jack Black and the Prince Albert: The concept is kinda funny, but ewwwwwww. And I don't think anyone wants to see Jack's derrière, not even from a distance. Ugly.

Mandy Moore: Okay, either Vin Diesel is really short or Mandy is some sort of giant, because she looked to be taller than he was. Maybe she had huge heels. She actually dressed up, though, and she looks Good with short hair.

The White Stripes: Are they hot right now or something? Because to me they really suck. Bad.

Nicole Kidman with two nominations in the same category: Best musical sequence. She won, no real surprise there, along with Ewan MacGregor. That's probably a Good thing.

Eminem: Why people like him is beyond me. And he's looking more and more white all the time. At least he's not trying to pretend his black. As for complaining about Moby being too old (he's 36), hey Marshall, you're going to be 30 this fall, you aren't exactly a spring chicken any more. Bad.

Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan win best fight: Sharp suit Chris, although black on black with a black tie and black shirt makes you look likes you're at a funeral. At least he dressed up. Although his political grandstanding was out of place, so this gets a Bad.

Jodie Foster is MIA: I should have expected this, but Jack Black and Will Farrell doing a cover of "We Built This City" to drive her out of the panic room is hilarious. Good.

Hillary Swank: Cutoff jeans and upside-down writing on her impressively toned stomach. Okay, so that was under her shirt, but still. I'm going to go with Bad.

Reese Witherspoon wins best comedic performance: Apparently playing the perky, ditzy blonde chick isn't much of a reach. She's Good at it.

Martin Lawrence 60 seconds of filler: Okay, he's not all that funny. Not at all. Bad.

Kelly Osbourne's "Papa Don't Preach" cover: Some ambivalence here. She's got a decent voice, and she does a kickin' version of the song. But her outfit was terrible, her hair worse, and she's kinda, well, Ugly.

Adam Sandler and Winona Ryder: The banter was, well, interesting. And Winona grabbed her own chest a few too many times. Thing is, even with messy hair and a ratty tank top she still looks Good.

Nicole Kidman wins best female performance: And from her Moulin Rouge costar, too. Good thing she had a seat in the second row.

Lord of the Rings wins best movie: That's cool, especially when you consider it was up against stuff like Legally Blonde. Good.

Post Show Jack and Sarah Dancing: Jack Black can apparently whistle really well. And man did he take off quickly when Freddy Prinze Jr. showed up to reclaim his fiancé. And you know what? He's not particularly fat. Not skinny by any stretch, but he's not that big. Good.

The Award Itself: Yes, it's unique, but a big tub of popcorn just doesn't look right on the mantle between a Golden Globe and a People's Choice Award. Ugly.