Olympic Speed Ratings (So Far)

by Marko Peric

I've been watching the Olympics all week, and with seven days of coverage behind us now (eight if you count the opening ceremonies) I thought it was time to opine about some of what has transpired. And since I haven't done a speed rating in ages, it's high time for one. Oh, if you think I'm being mean in some of my ratings, well, that's probably because I am. Deal with it.

The giant animals at the Opening Ceremonies: That was pretty funky, although I really wanted to see the bear attack the salmon. Good.

The Dixie Chicks and those huge boots: These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do. One day these boots are going to collapse under their own mass, and hopefully the Dixie Chicks will be taken out in the resulting planar gravity shockwave. Ugly.

A Canadian and an Englishman at the O.C.s: Robbie Robertson and Sting, to be precise. And does anyone have any idea what nationality Yo-Yo Ma is? Diversity is Good, though.

The Cauldron: That's not a cauldron, a cauldron is supposed to have witches dancing around it. That's a giant drill bit. Bad.

Canada's speed-skating outfits: These bodysuits brought to you by Spiderman. Good.

Figure Skating Judging: I saw less corruption when I was watching Traffic. Ugly.

Canada's women's hockey team trounces Khazakstan then Russia 7-0: Always nice to beat the Russians, and hey, consistency is Good.

Canada's men's hockey team looses to Sweden: Am I the only one who's reaction was to seek out a piece of IKEA furniture and smash it to splinters, then burn the debris? Just me? Okay, guess that reaction was a bit Bad.

Beckie Scott wins the first even cross country skiing medal by a North American Woman: So what if it was bronze? It's still Good.

Macy Gray's Concert: One of the CBC announcers went on about how great the concert was. I guess the announcer doesn't realize that Macy Gray is the musical equivalent of starting your car while a cat is asleep on the manifold. Ugly.

Canada wins pair figure skating gold, eventually: The deserved, and the Russian Skating Federation is annoyed about it, which makes a Good thing even better.

Brian Williams gets opinionated: When he refers to someone as "incredibly arrogant" well, it's funny because it's true. Good.

Terry Liebel: Apparently she draw the short straw and got stuck with doing late night coverage. Or maybe she's really a vampire. In any case, she's pretty Bad.

Two Man Luge: If you've watched it, you know that it's Ugly.