We all eat food, probably every single day, multiple times. And while there is a nearly endless selection of food options out there, there are certain key aspects that most foods have. Flavour. Nutrition. Texture. These are the defining characteristics, but there is also shape to consider. While some food has no discernible shape – I’m looking at you, soup, most does. Often that shape is integral to the idea of that food. Think of a slice of pie, a meatball, or an ice cream cone.

Today I’m rating foods that are distinctly ring shaped. Could these foods exist in other shapes? Certainly in some cases. But some are so specifically ring shaped that they can only exist in that state, or they would be something else entirely.

To be clear, a ring is a more or less circular shape with an empty space in the middle and a diameter that is not less than its height. Penne is not ring shaped. A doughnut typically is. We can argue about whether or not a honey cruller should count later.

Ringolos: Yes, a ringolo is essentially an extruded circular corn chip, and the flavour is not different from other corn chips with similar seasonings. But the shape of ringolos makes the snack, especially when paired with cheezies and pretzels, such as one might find in party mix. Is the best way to eat ringolos by sliding them unto an appropriately sized cheezie, possibly beside a pretzel, and then eating the whole thing at once? Yes, and it’s a Good thing.

Pineapple Slices: Granted, you can eat pineapple in other formats, and while there is a clean simplicity to pineapple chunks, the pineapple slice is a nearly perfect ring. It makes sense, given that the core and the outer skin of the pineapple are far from edible, and what can be eaten exists as a column, which cuts down to rings with only a lot of effort. I like pineapple, and you have to respect a food packed with enzymes that will attempt to digest you back when you consume it. But pineapples are way too much work, and if the only way to get it to a usable condition involves multiple knives, that’s pretty Bad.

Doughnuts: These are the stereotypical ring-shaped food, to the point that folks will use the term “doughnut shaped” to describe anything that exists as a torus. Which is odd, given that many doughnuts are not actually doughnut shaped. Filled doughnuts like Berliners or Boston creams are disc shaped, dutchies are approximately square, fritters are irregular blobs, and honey crullers are miniature tractor tires. So what does it mean to be doughnut shaped then? Seems problematic.

And of course, when you go to order a dozen doughnuts, unless you specify exactly what you want, you’re going to get some sad, dry, plain ones that no one will want to eat, and they will sit neglected in the box as an Ugly reminder that these pastries are not created equal.

Onion Rings: Yes, it’s right there in the name. An onion ring is so specifically ring shaped that it can’t be called anything else. Given the internal, layered structure of an onion, a ring makes sense. But as a food, these make little to no sense. Is this supposed to be healthy? It’s a three to one mixture of greasy breading versus overcooked vegetable. You could put basically anything in that much batter and deep fry it and it would be comparable. Onions are just more convenient than, say, turnip or beet rings. Now that would be Ugly.

Calamari: What if you made onion rings, but instead of onion, you used squid? What if you used the Italian name instead of English so it sounds way more fancy? What if the end result was fairly tasty, but what isn’t when battered and deep fried? What if it became rubbery and impossible to eat once it gets cold? What if this was a Bad idea all along?

Bagels: Ah, the tougher, doughier, blander cousin of the doughnut, without the sugar overload and with varieties such as plain, blueberry , poppy seed, sesame seed, and everything. Yes, everything. Even though it’s basically only sesame, salt, poppy, onion and garlic. So like five things. Which falls far short of everything if you ask me. Of course, a cinnamon raisin blueberry chocolate chip rye bagel with poppy seeds and garlic would be atrocious. Of course, I like everything bagels. I like most bagels. Good thing they didn’t overdo it by actually using everything.