Jurassic Park IV

by Marko Peric

Over the weekend I was one of the many people who went to see Jurassic Park III. While it was an okay movie, I certainly don't expect to see too many mentions of it come Oscar time. It made a pile of money, though, over 80 million dollars in five days. Considering it cost just under 100 mil to make, it should be turning a profit by this Thursday at the latest. What does this say to me? It says another sequel. You don't let the velociraptor that lays the golden egg die.

So how do you keep a billion dollar franchise fresh and more importantly, profitable? The public will only want to see people on small islands being running from giant reptiles so many times. In an effort to make Steven Spielberg a multibillionaire, I'm posting my suggestions for Jurassic Park IV. If you should happen to read this and use one of my ideas, Mr. Spielberg, I'd like an associate producer credit.

Jurassic Park IV: When Dinosaurs Attack

It worked for Fox, it can work for Amblin Entertainment. Camcorder footage of "actual" dinosaur attacks wouldn't need to look polished, so the effects wouldn't take long to do and wouldn't cost much to make. Skimp on the big name stars, and you could bang this out in six months for under 10 million. How can you not make some quick money that way?

John Woo's Jurassic Park IV

Jeff Goldblum and Chow Yun-Fat are stranded on Isla Sorna with dozens of hungry velociraptors between them and safety. Thankfully they have access to a lot of guns and a few thousand rounds of ammunition (Goldblum and Yun-Fat, not the raptors, although that could be interesting, too). Jeff Goldblum wants to be an action star, this would be his big chance. As for Chow Yun-Fat, he's shot enough humans in his movies that he'd probably welcome the chance to gun down a pterodactyl or three.

Austin Powers: The T. Rex that Chewed Me

Doctor Evil needs a new hideout, what better than an island inhabited by vicious predators? Bringing together both the Jurassic Park and Austin Powers audiences would result in box office gold. I envision a dance number with velociraptors arm in arm with fembots and Mike Myers playing not only Mr. Powers and Dr. Evil but also a rude stegosaurus. Sure, it would be silly, but no more than a Tyrannosaurus running loose in San Diego.