Christmas Candy

This time of year brings with it many things — Christmas carols, crowded malls, all manner of tacky decoration, and of course the many various candy varieties that show up primarily in November and are gone by January. Yup, I'm doing a Good/Bad/Ugly rating of Christmas candy. Conveniently the local Atlantic Superstore featured a full page of holiday type candy in last Sunday's flyer, so I'm going to use that as a handy guide. Pity I'm too lazy to scan the page for graphics for this feature.

Candy Canes: Easily the candy most obviously associated with the season, these are basically a minty candy stick formed into a cane, but I'm sure everyone is familiar with candy canes. I'm sure everyone also knows how generally unexciting they are. Oh, in recent years I know candy manufacturers have attempted to jazz 'em with with far from traditional flavours like cherry, cinnamon, and blueberry, but candy canes just aren't all that exciting. Any candy that works better as a decoration than a snack is Bad in my books.

Chicken Bones: Now these aren't specifically a Christmas candy, but they were featured prominently on the aforementioned Christmas candy full page of the local übermart flyer. Chicken bones are an odd candy, really. Hard pink cinnamon candy on the outside, sweet dark filling on the inside, and they are named after poultry parts. As much as I like chicken bones I have a hard time giving a thumbs up to a candy named after poultry parts. Also, I've cut my tongue on chicken bones before, because if you aren't careful and you're sucking on one instead of crunching it down quickly, the sides can get really sharp. That's not a good thing, so therefore it's Bad, no?

Turtles: While we're talking about seasonal candy named for fauna, we can't forget about the humble turtle. I'm not sure I entirely get the name, though, since these things look about as much like aquatic reptiles as Gilbert Gottfried looks like the MGM Lion. That aside, they are a rather tasty chocolate candy, and if you know me, you know that chocolate is always welcome, unless it's boiling and I'm being lowered into it by Willy Wonka in an absinthe-induced haze, but I digress. Turtles also contain pecans, which are one of my favourite nuts, even when they aren't combined with far too much sugar in a pie. I think it's obvious Turtles are Good.

Ferrero Rocher: These are all kinds of tasty wrapped around a hazelnut center, which is kinda like eating a ball of Nutella in a shell, which isn't a bad thing in my books. And getting your chocolate-hazelnut buzz from a Ferrero Rocher or three is far more acceptable and far less messy than just eating the Nutella right from the jar with a spoon. Not that you'd ever consider doing such a thing, of course. On that line, when I was in elementary school there was one kid that sometimes had nutella sandwiches at lunch. That's right, chocolate spread on white Wonder bread. Yes, his mom packed his lunch, if you're wondering. And they wondered why he was so hyperactive in fourth grade. But enough about that. Ferrero Rochers are Good. Dang good. Just don't use them as meal replacements.

Barley Toys: Now these are a traditional Christmas candy if there ever was one. They only appear on shelves this time of year, they come in bright red, green and yellow, and they are little edible toys that no one really likes all that much and take way too long to eat. These are one step above the atrocious hard candy that have been sitting in the candy dish at your grandparents' place since 1993, and the fact that they look like Santa Claus or a chicken on a stick doesn't really help 'em any. They're still Ugly.

Toblerone: I don't get to use the term ambivalence all that often, but I'm using it here. Toblerone bars are reasonably tasty, but not all that exciting. It's more the novelty of the shape that make the bar interesting at all. How many other chocolate bars are supposed to look like the Matterhorn? The main reason I'm including Toblerone here is because Swiss Chalet used to include a Toblerone bar with the festive special, and it was a grand Canadian tradition, right up there with our Thanksgiving. But last year the powers that be at the Chalet replaced the venerable Toblerone with Lindor chocolate truffles. This was very upsetting to some people. I have a friend who verbally expressed his anger over this, and I have to agree, the festive special at Swiss Chalet just wasn't the same without Toblerone. Here's the thing though, the Lindor chocolates are really, really good, so I'm sure we'll get over the loss of the Toblerone bar sooner or later. In conclusion, Toblerone is Good, but Lindor chocolates are better.