New Fall Shows

It happens every year around this time. The television networks trot out their new lineup of shows, promising that there will be lots of great new entertainment. Of course, a lot of this new material isn't so great. A lot of it tanks and vanishes before Christmas. Some of it does so before November. So I'm going to take a look at some of the new shows that have debuted in the last few weeks, and of course rate them. I'll only be rating stuff that I've actually watched two or more episodes ideally, but not necessarily. I know I can be harsh in my ratings at times, but I'm trying to keep it reasonable.

Thieves (ABC/CTV Friday Evening): Remember John Stamos? I know you were trying to forget him, but the people at ABC wouldn't want that. They've gone and made him into a professional thief, and paired him with a Really Hot Babe ^tm, namely the lovely Melissa George, who you've probably never heard of before. She's gorgeous, she has a funky Australian accent, they seem to dress her to make sure we can't miss her cleavage, and John Stamos hits on her like Pepe Le Peu hitting on a cat with a white stripe down its back. Of course, she's 25, and he's almost 40, so that's a little creepy.
Here's the real problem with the show. These are two professional thieves who get collared into working for the FBI. And what does the FBI do with them? They send them out to steal artwork from arms dealers. They have them track down a missing transplant liver. It's like you've died and gone to a 21st century Mod Squad. Oh, and these highly skilled professional thieves can't seem to pull off a job without getting into a brawl with guards, which makes all their thieving skills a bit pointless, no? If you can beat up the guards, why bother sneaking in — just march in, beat everyone up, and take the stuff. That said, the show is mildly entertaining, and Melissa George is cute, but not cute enough to keep this mess out of the Bad column.

Scrubs (NBC/CTV Tuesday Evening): Do you watch ER, and do you think they take things a bit too seriously? Scrubs is a new show set in a hospital, and it most likely wouldn't exist if not for the success of ER, but it has little in common with the perennial mainstay of NBC's so called "Must Watch" Thursday lineup. For starters, it's on Tuesdays. And it's a comedy. But, and this is the important part, it's not a sitcom. There's no laugh track, and while it's very funny, it remains serious enough to be taken seriously. Does that make sense? Think of Sports Night set in a hospital with a dose of interior monologue ala The Wonder Years, and a pinch of the absurdity of Ally McBeal (the main character has McBeal Moments, and if you don't know what that means, I'm not going to explain it).
About the show itself, the main character is a medical intern named J.D. who is learning the ropes of medicine along with his best friend and roommate, a surgical intern named Turk. They work in a hospital with a staff that is so dysfunctional it makes the Soprano crew look balanced. Quite frankly, this is the best new comedy of the year. I don't compare things to Sports Night lightly. Watch this show, because it's that Good. But keep in mind it's on after 9 PM for a reason, this isn't a kids show.

Bob Patterson (ABC/CTV Tuesday Evening): From the ashes of Seinfeld he rises like a short, balding phoenix. Will this second Seinfeld alumna fare any better in his attempt to fly solo? Quite frankly, I'm not counting on it. Jason Alexander was funny as George Costanza, where he was the perpetually all around unsuccessful neurotic comedy relief (okay, comedy relief is generally used in drama, but how else can you describe George?). As Bob Patterson, successful and famous self help guru with a personal life that's in worse condition than an 1984 Dodge Aries that's been rolled a few times, he's a bit much. It's basically the same character, only with less hair. We've seen it before. I think the producers know this, or they wouldn't be trying so hard already. They've already brought in guest stars. We saw John Tesh in the first episode, and he returned for the second, along with his wife Connie Sellica and Bo Derek. And although the show is rated TV-PG, it's already as trashy as Seinfeld ever got. This show has no where to go but down. Oh, and did I mention that there's a Jason Alexander nude photoshoot in the third episode? Now that's Ugly.

Enterprise (UPN/Various): Star Trek is kinda like chocolate — even when it's bad, it's good, because it's Star Trek. Or chocolate. That said, I'm not saying Enterprise is bad. Or that it's Star Trek. After all, the title does not contain the words "Star" or "Trek." So what is it, then? Well, if past experience is any guide, most Star Trek spinoffs start out a bit weak, then find their stride after a while. Deep Space Nine started getting really good in season three. Voyager started getting okay in season five. Enterprise is actually pretty decent now. Purists will say that this isn't actually Star Trek, but when it comes to attracting a new audience, maybe that's a Good thing.

Alias (ABC/CTV Sunday Evening): Normally one would leave the best for last. Not here. I've left the most far fetched for last. Alias is the first of the crop of CIA shows to debut this year. Now I can't comment on the other two since they haven't aired yet, but this one had better not be the pick of the litter. It would be better titled La Femme Nikita Goes to Grad School but that would be the worst name for a show since God, the Devil and Bob. It would be accurate, though. How someone finds the time to go to grad school and be a full time operative for the CIA while keeping all your friends convinced you work for a bank is beyond me. I know I was swamped when I worked two part time jobs and went to school full time, and that wasn't grad school. I should mention that Sydney Bristow, the main character, was actually working for a countergovernment organization called SD-6, but in the premiere she became a double agent working for the CIA against SD-6, which of course keeps her even busier. I should also mention that although according the ABC web site, she is 5 foot 9 and 110 pounds, she beats up good sized adult men. Regularly. Trained killer 6'2" two hundred pound men with guns. I don't care if you happen to be trained in Krav Maga or not, when you weigh in at 110, you're going to have trouble with guys that weigh twice as much as you and are professional killers.
One more thing, of the three episodes that have aired thus far, two were cliffhangers. You can only do so many of these before it starts getting really Bad.