Enterprise Speed Rating

The biggest television event so far this millennium happened last week. No, not the debut of Emeril, the debut of Enterprise, the latest addition to the Star Trek universe. Bold, new, and 30% less preachy than Voyager, this show goes back to the past (a century before Kirk and company went gallivanting around the galaxy), which is of course still well in our future. So how does the premiere hold up? Here's my speed rating of "Broken Bow."

Hey, the theme has lyrics: Very different for something from the Star Trek franchise. But the choice of song is pretty Good.

Is that Rod Stewart doing background vocals: I'm not sure that it was, but even the possibility is Ugly.

The Captain is wearing a ballcap: I guess some things in the future haven't changed all that much. At least he wasn't wearing it backwards, that would be Bad.

A Vulcan Science Officer: Hmm, that sounds familiar somehow. Of course, Spock didn't wear a form fitting bodysuit designed to make him look Good.

The Comm Officer getting spacesick: Now that's going to get old fast if they keep bringing it up. Bad.

Genetically Engineered Chameleonic Suliban: Just like regular Suliban, but a lot more dangerous. Should make for decent villains. They appear to be bad, but in a Good way.

Butterfly-eating Dancers on Rigel 10: Okay, that was pretty trashy. They looked like something out of Jabba the Hutt's palace. Ugly.

"That's never happened before": Amusing, but you know Kirk would have done such a better job with that line. Good.

Shoot-out on the landing pad: Terse and exciting, although those energy weapons lack the solid bang one expects in a non-scifi action scene. Good.

The decontamination: Let's put two good looking actors in a blue room and have them rub grease on themselves. How trashy. And Bad.

Eel Therapy: Creepy. And it looks more like a starfish than an eel. Ugly.

The grappler: Looks a lot cooler than a tractor beam. Good.

The temporal room: I don't know what else to call it, but that's one freaky looking room. Ugly.

How do the Suliban bend like that: I have a friend who recently finished Chiropractic school, and suspect he would make a fortune on the Suliban homeworld Good for him, but it looks really Bad.

"Let's hope that's the last time somebody takes a shot at us": Funny, but that would make for a dull series, wouldn't it? Bad.