Three Months Later

aka I Mock Osama bin Laden

Well, it's finally happened. Three months have passed since the events of September 11, and I've reached the point where I feel I can be humorous about this. What follows is not exactly a standard rant, but more of a bunch of little rants all strung together on the same page. And most of them are intended to be funny. The bulk of this humour will be at the expense of Osama bin Laden and his people, but if you don't feel right laughing about current events, don't read this. Don't say I didn't warn you.

My first micro-rant is not about bin Laden at all, but rather about Mullah Omar, who before Kandahar fell is reported to have issued a statement encouraging his tattered forces to fight to the death, for "the opportunity for martyrdom has never been greater." This is someone who obviously missed his true calling of being a motivational speaker. The most ironic part of this story is that the Mullah apparently abandoned Kandahar before the city was taken, and remains alive and well, and at large. Way to put your money where your mouth is, Omar.

A recent report indicates that bin Laden plans to die on live TV before allowing himself to be captured by US forces. Apparently he plans to have his sons execute him and film it. On some level this makes me feel a bit bad for his kids, or at least as bad as one can feel for the spawn of a terrorist mastermind. "Dad wants me to empty a clip into his head, and he wants my brother to tape it."

This report comes from Sabiha bin Laden, Osama's estranged wife. While he probably has other wives, some satisfaction can be had that bin Laden's family life in is shambles. One can only imagine the fights. "All you care about is plotting to kill everyone who opposes you and living in this cave! You don't care about me!"

On the topic of caves, bin Laden is most likely holed up in the caves of Tora Bora. From what I've read this is an impressive fortress area that won't be easy to capture, but how does someone expect to be taken seriously when his headquarters are in a place called Tora Bora? It sounds like an 80s Euro-Pop band that toured with Kajagoogoo.

I'm sure everyone has by now either seen part of the recently released bin Laden videotape or at least heard about it. While the interesting part of the tape is certainly very incriminating of bin Laden, most of the nearly one hour tape isn't terribly exciting. Much of the early part of the tape is rather dull outdoor footage, and most of the rest is Arabs sitting around talking. It's good to know that bin Laden's home movies are just as dull as the footage your aunt and uncle shot on their Florida vacation last winter.

One interesting thing noted on the tape was that apparently most of the hijackers had no idea they had signed on for suicide missions. One wonders why bin Laden would admit this on videotape, it's not exactly the sort of thing that's going to encourage the troops. Nothing like knowing that while 6 ton bombs are dropping overhead that your fearless leader sent a bunch of his own people off on involuntary suicide jobs. That's really going to make you happy and never once consider handing him over for a 25 million dollar reward.

Well, that's all I really have to say for now. As I said, this wasn't really a standard rant. And if any bin Laden supporters out there happen to read this, please send this on to him, and maybe he'll issue a fatwah against me. I'm sure that will bring me lots of traffic.