What the Hygiene Products Taught Me

In many ways I'm a fairly simple and straightforward guy. I like milk on my corn flakes and jam on my toast. But perhaps nowhere am I more basic than when in comes to personal hygiene. When I go on a trip, I take 4-6 hygiene related items. Anti-perspirant. Some face wash. Some hair gel. A toothbrush. And toothpaste, soap and shampoo, unless I'm staying a place where I know I can mooch some. That's all. I don't really need anything more than that.

So why when I go into my bathroom are there scores of different hygiene items? They cover most of the available flat surfaces. And I don't know what half of these things are supposed to be. I should mention that two women live here and of course share the bathroom, so that's why there is such a proliferation of personal perfection products. Are all these things really necessary? I have a hard time believing that many of them are remotely needed. I think there is a vast cosmetic and cleanser company conspiracy afoot in this land. (I also think that I might be going a bit heavy on the alliteration, but when am I going to get the chance to use the expression "proliferation of personal perfection products" again any time soon?) That is the only explanation of some of the stuff I found in my washroom.

What did I find? I'm glad to asked. Here is a sampling of what I just picked up from the side of the tub. I didn't even hit the shelves or the counter.

Botanical Scents Aromatherapy Balancing Bath & Shower Gel

Apparently this product "Is composed of all natural essential oils Neroli, Orange, Geranium, Jasmine, Rose, and Rosemary that have been carefully combined to help promote a harmonizing and balancing sensory experience." That's right off the label. Could I make that up? Does that mean anything to you? I know what all those words mean, but it just doesn't mean anything to me. Oh, and it smells pretty strong. It makes me think not of aromatherapy but rather of an environmentally friendly paint thinner.

Wella Liquid Hair Color Preserver After Color Treatment

I think I know what this one does, but I have to comment on a few things. First, the bottle is made of metal. I think I could use this bottle to break a plate glass window. The stuff is apparently"extremely flammable" and the "container may explode if heated" so it's going to be a lot of fun at a big riot. But the best part is that this stuff "protects from fadage," whatever that is. I couldn't find it in the dictionary, so I'm concluding the people at Wella made it up. (I'm also wondering how it's pronounced, is it a simple English fade-age or stuck up European fad-a-jay. Either works, IMHO.) Good for them. Fadage sounds serious.

Simply Basic Green Apple Mist Shower Gel

This stuff really does smell like what I imagine green apple mist would smell like, but I guess this can only be used when you take a shower, and not a bath, unlike the Botanical Scents Aromatherapy Balancing Bath & Shower Gel. This tiny bottle (2 oz/60 ml) doesn't have much in the way of detail on it, unlike the two previous products, but it does have usage instructions: "Squeeze a small amount of product unto a dampened wash cloth/sponge or into the palm of your hand and gently rub on your body with a circular motion. Enjoy the abundant lather." That's right, enjoy the abundant lather. I don't see any further need to mock those instructions.

Lavéi Deep-Cleansing Shampoo MWS 150-2500

This amazing product energizes hair, leaving it easy to style. An impressive feat considering your hair is technically dead once it leaves the sheltered confines of the scalp, otherwise it would really hurt to have it cut. That isn't the impressive part, however. It contains "exclusive blends of of amino acids, the building blocks of proteins that make up your hair's structure. Molecular weights and sizes (MWS) ranging from 150 to 2500 protect your hair's natural state. . ." If you believe all that, apparently more research went into making this shampoo than into building the atomic bomb. Amino acids? Molecular weights and sizes? This stuff has more education than I do. It does a decent job of cleaning my hair, though. Of course, I just use what ever shampoo is handy and doesn't leave my hair smelling like a beauty supply store.

The Healing Garden Cucumber Therapy With Linden Blossoms Pure Refreshment Bath & Shower Gel

While I'm tempted to let this name stand by itself for the purpose of ridicule (Cucumber therapy? Do the cucumbers need therapy, or do they provide therapy? Inquiring minds want to know), I've left the best for the last, for there is too much on the side of the bottle to ignore. "Immerse yourself in the pure, crisp clean of this cucumber bath and shower gel." Can anyone tell me how exactly one can be immersed in clean? Has anyone ever heard clean used as a noun before? I know I haven't. And there's more: "Lifts listless spirits as it soothes and refreshes. Leaves you feeling refreshed and rejuvenated." Are you buying any of this? It sounds more like an advertisement for Zoloft than a bath and shower gel.

So what have I learned from my excursion into the land of strange hygiene and personal cleansing products (i.e. my bathroom)? I've learned that I have about as much hope of understanding the products women buy as I do of understanding women themselves. I've learned that the people who write these labels have way too much time on their hands. And I've learned that the labels on a lot of this stuff make for a darn amusing read. And isn't that the most important lesson of all?