Multi Purpose Garbage Bags

by Marko Peric

The other day I happened to notice the lettering on a box of plain, simple, black garbage bags in my closet. What caught my attention was the description of these bags as being "multi purpose." This got my inquisitive and easily amused mind going. How exactly can garbage bags be multi purpose? In my experience they have pretty much only one basic purpose, which is of course fill with stuff and take to curb/throw in dumpster. What are other possible purposes for plain, simple, black garbage bags?

Instant Raincoat

This isn't terribly original, but with a few quick cuts to make holes for you head and arms, a good sized garbage bag will keep you reasonably dry in the rain. Not recommended for use in a major rainstorm unless you use a second one to fashion a hood, and be sure not to suffocate yourself if you do. Also be sure to cut the arm holes large enough to get your arms out and have sufficient mobility, or you'll end up with your arms stuck half inside the bag, and you'll have to make like Dr. Bruce Banner and tear your way out of the bag in an Incredible Hulk manoeuvre. As much fun as that might be, it's hardly going to keep you dry.

Temporary Car Window

Does anyone else out there have stories about things you did as a little kid but that you can't remember, but your parents tell you is absolutely true. For me there was the time at age three or so when I was in a locked car and wouldn't unlock it, completely oblivious to the fact that Mom was locked outside, and the nice man wasn't trying to break in, he was trying to help. Anyway, the window got broken. I don't remember if a garbage bag was used as a temporary window, but it could have been. A garbage bag is just the right size to cover a busted side window, and with a roll of duct tape you can have it covered in under two minutes. A clear bag is the best choice, naturally, but if the weather is bad, any bag will do.

Murder Weapon

Okay, this one is in mildly poor taste, and when I say mildly, I mean considerably. But a garbage bag can be used as a murder weapon. I saw it in a movie once. And yes, I know, just because I saw it in a movie doesn't mean it's true. (I learned this the hard way after watching Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and found I couldn't run up walls, even when I took a running start.) I'm not going to explain how, and I'm not going to say what movie, but this is a potential, if ill-advised use for multipurpose garbage bags.

Suburban Piracy

This one might be a reach, but it's by far the most fun. Take a plain black garbage bag, paint on a big white skull and crossbones, hang it from the aerial of a 1984 Dodge Rampage, pile a few violent and willing friends in the back, and ride around looking for plunder. Forget about blaring Trooper from the stereo, load up anything that features a rendition of "Barrett's Privateers." While doing this is probably about as antisocial as forming your own neighbourhood fight club (and if you actually do any piracy, highly illegal), it does sound like a lot of fun. Just remember, pillage first, then burn, not the other way 'round.