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Santa or Supervillain?

And you thought he was just jolly
by Marko Peric

I've watched a few too many James Bond movies in my time (if you don't believe me, check out this item, or this one, or maybe even this one) and I've seen too many holiday movies and TV specials, and if you've read this site at all you'll now that I have a way of finding connections between things that aren't easy to notice. Sometimes I even find connections that aren't even there. Well, this time I've gone too far. Or maybe not far enough. You can be the judge. But last me ask you this, is there more to Santa Claus than a portly old guy in red? Namely:

Is Santa Claus Is A Supervillian?

Secret Hideout at the North Pole. Sure, we all know it's at the North Pole, but has anyone ever found it? Lots of explorers have been to the North Pole, and none have seen it. Or at least haven't come back to report about it...

Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer. But was Santa prosecuted? He wasn't even charged. Are the authorities afraid to go after him, or is no one able to bring him to justice?

He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. Does he run an extensive surveillance network with operatives and hidden cameras everywhere, or, and far more disturbing, does he have psychic powers?

Santa Claus. Kris Kringle. Father Christmas. Saint Nicholas. What's with all the names, Santa? Anyone with so many aliases must have something to hide.

A horde of elves. Now, I'm pretty sure the technical term for thousands of elves isn't a horde, but one has to wonder why Santa keeps so many of them around. Are they merely slave labourers for his workshop, in which case Santa is a brutal taskmaster, or do the elves form the bulk of his invasion force?

He flies a sled. Who else even drives a sled, let alone flies one under reindeer power? Hey, every supervillain needs an exotic vehicle.

"He's making a list, he's checking it twice. He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake." But why must you be good? Merely so you will receive a bounty of gifts? And if you aren't good, is Santa Claus coming to get you? Remember, he knows where you live.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. What is a villain without a beautiful woman or two on his arm?

He delivers toys to kids all over the world. An act of generosity or a ploy to distract attention from his criminal activities? Also, how does he fund this gift giving? Anyone who's been to the mall lately knows that toys aren't cheap.

He has many impersonators. Perhaps he is afraid that the authorities are coming after him, so this host of fake Santas will keep them distracted. How can they be sure they have the right one if you can find a Santa at every mall in North America?

He has a chief henchman (well, henchdeer) named Rudolph. Look at Rudolph for a moment. First, he's deformed what with that red nose, and since the other reindeer picked on him, he probably carries a chip on his shoulder the size of Texas. And Rudolph is a German name. If you've seen any Bond movies you know that the evil henchman is almost always a big German guy.

I think I've made a strong case here. One or two of these could be a coincidence, but I've just presented eleven. As I said above, judge for yourself. And next time you're at the mall and you run into Santa, give him a wide berth if you know what's good for you.

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