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Wow, There Are More Tacky Christmas Songs

Treble clef

by Marko Peric

We started running Good/Bad/Ugly ratings of Tacky Christmas Songs way back in 2001. Since then, we've had five more editions of this particular rating, every time with a fresh batch of tacky holiday music. This one makes it a total of six. Will we have more tacky Christmas songs for next year? Only time will tell. For now, let's take a look at this year's selections.

"Mele Kalikimaka" by Bing Crosby and the Andrews Sisters: Here's another one for the "But It's a Classic!" category. And it might well be a classic, and it has an annoyingly infectious ukulele laden tune, but it's ridiculously tacky. First, the song only has five lines, which are just repeated a few times. Second, Hawaii and Christmas go together like 9V batteries and milk — not really at all. Third, 'Mele Kalikimaka' is just pidgin English for Merry Christmas. Since the Hawaiian language does not have the 'r' or 's' sounds, 'l' and 'k' were substituted in, and Merry Christmas becomes Mele Kalikimaka. So all in all, a pretty Bad excuse for a holiday classic.

"Santa's Gonna Kick Your Ass" by the Arrogant Worms: I can't say for certain, but I'm pretty sure this is the only Christmas song to ever feature the words 'reindeer poo.' At least, I hope it is. If you haven't heard this song, well, from the title you either want to go and listen to it right this very minute, or you are deeply offended, but if you've read this far, I'm betting you've already opened a new tab and are googling it already. I'm not sure how accurately I can describe the song — imagine 88 seconds of harmonizing oompah band singing about a decidedly non-jolly old elf. It's up to you if that sounds like a Good thing or not.

"Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" by U2: This song was actually originally performed by Darlene Love back in the '60s, but the 1987 U2 version is the one I'm familiar with, and probably the one most people will know. I remember the video as well, which is basically just black and white footage of the band performing the song. Bono is wearing a top hat the whole time, for some reason. What makes it tacky? Well, apart from the fact that a huge rock band is covering a song from the sixties, the song itself references another Christmas song — "Deck the Halls" to be precise. That's a Good way to guarantee a song makes the tacky list. And speaking of. . .

"Deck the Halls" by lots of different people: One of our traditions around here in the tacky Christmas songs department is mixing in the occasional much loved classic with all the newer seasonal fare. And while people may think of "Deck the Halls" as a lovely traditional tune, it's wildly tacky. Don't believe me? I have nine words for you: fa la la la la, la la la la. What's more, while the author is unknown, I suspect it may have been written by Yoda. Just imagine a little green 900 year old muppet saying the following lines: Fast away the old year passes. Don we now our gay apparel. Sing we joyous, all together. Hail the new, ye lads and lasses. Just throw in the odd "hmm" and you have the recipe for a really Ugly Youtube video. And we don't need any more of those.

See past editions of Tacky Christmas Songs

Tacky Christmas Songs
More Tacky Christmas Songs
Even More Tacky Christmas Songs
Still More Tacky Christmas Songs
Yet More Tacky Christmas Songs

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