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The Dontmindme.com Report Card Translation Guide

Report Card

Unless you were raised by illiterate wolves, odds are you've had some sort of schooling. Maybe you still go to school. In any case, with school comes report cards, unless of course you went to some sort of permissive lackadaisical hippie schools that considered testing an oppressive tool of The Man. For the rest of us who went to actual schools, several times per year report cards were sent home, bringing either gloom and despair or praise and reward, depending on the numbers (or letters) inside.

Of course letter and number grades are very easy to interpret, but what about the always present teacher comments? What do those actually mean? If you've been wondering that (or if you're a teacher in need of a little help with preparing accurate — but still politically correct — feedback) this guide might help. Report card speak is in the left hand column, with real English translation on the right.

Is a challenging student Drives me insane
Needs to work harder Is lazy
Needs help with his work habits Is really lazy
Is attentive Is a teacher's pet
Lively Loud
Livens up the classroom Very loud
Bubbles over with enthusiasm Won't shut up
Can be disruptive at times Imagine having a chimpanzee in the room
Needs to control his outbursts Your child is like a chimpanzee again, but on methamphetamines and with a megaphone
A joy to teach Isn't annoying
Helpful Is a boot licker
Quiet Doesn't talk with friends two rows over during class
Very quiet Shy and withdrawn
Shy and withdrawn Possible future unibomber
Satisfactory work Haven't noticed him
Needs to increase speed and comprehension in reading He takes 45 minutes to get through Goodnight Moon
Hard worker Future nerd
Has improved steadily And wow was he awful back in September
Is unusually mature Runs a poker game at recess
Makes friends quickly and is well liked by classmates Shares his lunch
Learns new vocabulary quickly Only some of which is offensive
Has a sense of humor Class clown
Seeks information Asks way too many questions
Does colorful and interesting art work So did Jackson Pollock
Does not play well with others.

Unless the game is Knuckles

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