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Celebrity Trademark Clothing

Bjork and her famous dress

by Marko Peric

Celebrities are an odd lot. Many of them are wildly famous without a really good reason. Some of them are no longer famous for the original reason they became famous, but are rather famous simply on the virtue of being famous. This can be the sort of fame that earns you a berth on Fox Celebrity Boxing, or the more solid sort that makes one into a household name. It is the latter type of celebrity that I'm concerned with today, or more specifically items of clothing that are immediately and universally associated with particular people. I should point out that I'm rating the clothing, not the celebrities. I should also point out that this intro sounds rather like it was written by a lawyer. Thankfully the actual ratings don't.

Michael Jackson's One White Glove: Jacko has been famous for longer than anyone on this list, and has therefore been coasting on fame for a long, long time. Back in the 70s and 80s Mike was the self appointed King of Pop, but sometime after 1990 he became pretty much a complete and total joke. I think he's most firmly anchored in the memory as the 80s pop icon with a red jacket and the single white glove. Why only one glove? It might have been a stylistic thing, but I suspect that it may have had more to do with the skin disease vitiligo. While people debate over him having this illness versus him doing skin bleaching, the fact is that vitiligo tends to start with small patches of skin losing their pigmentation. If Michael had some white blotches on one hand, wearing one glove is a rather simple way to cover that up. If it became a signature fashion statement for him, well, that's all Good.

Madonna's Pointy Bra: This is probably the single most obvious item on the list. I can't count the number of times I've seen or heard this referenced. Of course, it's rather blatant. And it's easy. You're playing Pictionary and you have to draw Madonna, how are you going to do it? You're going to do a stick figure and throw on a strategically placed triangle or two, and unless you're playing with a bunch of Amish people they're going to guess it right away. And here's a fun fact I discovered while researching (yes, I do research for this, don't be too shocked) this category: the pointy bra designed by Jean Paul Gaultier for Madonna's Blonde Ambition tour was sold at auction for £14,100 last year. That's a lot of money for a really Bad piece of used underwear.

Bjork's Swan Dress: While Bjork may not be the household name that the last two musicians have been, she will be forever associated with that dress. So far as I know she's only worn it once, but that was at the 2001 Academy Awards, and that was enough. It was a swan. A frickin' swan! Not a real swan, or PETA would have been on her like Homer Simpson on the last pork chop, but it was a swan, complete with beak. What exactly does someone have to smoke before they decide to appear on the most widely watched award show on the planet wearing a waterfowl? For that matter, who designs such a thing? It's not like there's going to be a big rush orders for that dress. The only people who are going to want one are people that are mocking Bjork, and let's face it, you can only mock Bjork so much. It's not like there's a pent up demand for Bjork imitators.
Why a swan, though, I wonder? If you're going to wear a bird, why not go for a goose, or flamingo, or a nice mallard? It's a lot more colourful and the dress would be every bit as Ugly.


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