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The Dontmindme Guide to Real Estate

A house for sale

by Marko Peric and Nancy Thomas

Several of our writing staff here at Dontmindme have reached that point in life that they're looking to buy a little piece of real estate to call home.  Finding a home can be a daunting task, though, especially for the first time buyer. Particularly intimidating is the prevailing culture of real estate, which is filled by people who call themselves agents (although none of them are called 007) and talk in their own unique code. Learning this code is a vital part of dealing with real estate agents. We have managed to decipher some of this code, and so Dontmindme would like to present The Dontmindme Guide to Real Estate. You will find the real estate language in the left column, with the plain English translation to the right.

As is There's something horribly wrong with the house, but you'll have to figure out what it is on your own
Very desirable Expensive
Central location On the corner of the two busiest streets in town
Close to all amenities Between a laundromat and a pawn shop
Rare find Very expensive
Handy-man special Will need months of work to be livable
Needs a little TLC Disaster area
Solid Still standing
Neat and tidy Ugly, but clean
Older Methuselah would like his glasses back if you happen to find them
Great value Small
Cute and cozy Very small
Very cozy Ridiculously small
Spacious More spacious than an old farmhouse
Unique Hideous
Affordable Because it's in a bad neighbourhood
Tastefully decorated The previous owner is leaving all his junk behind
Charming It looks like your grandma's place
Freshly painted "Pneumatic Pink" was on sale last week
Classic It has four walls, a roof, and at least one intact door
Heritage Haunted
One of a kind Looks like Castle Greyskull from the He-Man cartoons
Very private You'll need an ATV to get down the lane

Country living

No one in their right mind would want to live this far out of town

 

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