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30 Ways Fish Are Better Than Cats and Dogs

A fantail guppy

by Marko and Laura Peric

Last week week we bought two fantail guppies (we've named them Cohen and Sandy). They're the first pets we've owned as a couple, and we're understandably excited about having pets. Now, some people might say how can one really get all that excited about having tropical fish? I mean, they're not nearly as interesting as a dog or a cat. They're not even mammals. Well, you're going to have to keep your classist comments to yourself after reading 30 Ways Fish Are Better Than Cats and Dogs.

  1. A fish will never throw up on your rug.
  2. Even if you have ten or more fish, no one will call you "the nutcase with all those fish."
  3. Keeping several cats or dogs in a small glass box will get you in trouble with the SPCA.
  4. Dogs and cats come in various shades and combinations of white, black, brown and grey. Fish come in any colour you can imagine.
  5. If a big fish eats a smaller fish it's not that big of a deal.
  6. Bob Barker doesn't advise you daily to have your fish spayed or neutered.
  7. You can't have an allergic reaction to a fish unless you eat it.
  8. A fish can't make loud noises all night and keep you awake.
  9. Small glass bowl with a fish or two — creative centerpiece. Same bowl with a dog or cat — horrifying performance art.
  10. Fish are unable to wreak havoc on lawns, gardens, and flowerbeds.
  11. Unless you have a piranha and you stick your hand in the tank, your fish will not bite or scratch you.
  12. Transporting your dog or cat in a sealed plastic bag is a decidedly bad idea.
  13. You don't need to walk your fish.
  14. A fish will never feel the need to hump anyone's leg. Even if it did, it can't act on it.
  15. You don't need to give your fish fresh clean water every day.
  16. The only way fish food will get scattered all over your floor is if you drop the container.
  17. Only the most obsessive clean freak feels the need to bathe their fish.
  18. Fish owners don't need a pooper scooper.
  19. You don't need to take your fish to the vet for shots.
  20. A fish will never eat your slippers.
  21. The chance your fish will get out and impregnate your neighbour's fish is infinitesimally small.
  22. A fish is unable to leave hair all over your sofa.
  23. The mailman has no cause to be afraid of your fish.
  24. No one ever feels the need to put one of those stupid sweaters on a fish.
  25. You can't step on your fish's tail without a great deal of effort.
  26. Have you ever seen a fish stuck up a tree?
  27. A fish can't get lost.
  28. No fish will ever sit under your table waiting for scraps.
  29. Your children will probably not attempt to shave, paint, or put makeup on your fish.
  30. When your fish dies, you can unceremoniously flush it down the toilet.

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