Celebrities are an odd lot. Many of them are wildly famous without a
really good reason. Some of them are no longer famous for the original
reason they became famous, but are rather famous simply on the virtue
of being famous. This can be the sort of fame that earns you a berth on
Fox Celebrity Boxing, or the more solid sort that makes one into
a household name. It is the latter type of celebrity that I'm concerned
with today, or more specifically items of clothing that are immediately
and universally associated with particular people. I should point out
that I'm rating the clothing, not the celebrities. I should also point
out that this intro sounds rather like it was written by a lawyer. Thankfully
the actual ratings don't.
Michael Jackson's One White Glove: Jacko has been famous
for longer than anyone on this list, and has therefore been coasting on
fame for a long, long time. Back in the 70s and 80s Mike was the self
appointed King of Pop, but sometime after 1990 he became pretty much a
complete and total joke. I think he's most firmly anchored in the memory
as the 80s pop icon with a red jacket and the single white glove. Why
only one glove? It might have been a stylistic thing, but I suspect that
it may have had more to do with the skin disease vitiligo. While people
debate over him having this illness versus him doing skin bleaching, the
fact is that vitiligo tends to start with small patches of skin losing
their pigmentation. If Michael had some white blotches on one hand, wearing
one glove is a rather simple way to cover that up. If it became a signature
fashion statement for him, well, that's all Good.
Madonna's Pointy Bra: This is probably the single most
obvious item on the list. I can't count the number of times I've seen
or heard this referenced. Of course, it's rather blatant. And it's easy.
You're playing Pictionary and you have to draw Madonna, how are you going
to do it? You're going to do a stick figure and throw on a strategically
placed triangle or two, and unless you're playing with a bunch of Amish
people they're going to guess it right away. And here's a fun fact I discovered
while researching (yes, I do research for this, don't be too shocked)
this category: the pointy bra designed by Jean Paul Gaultier for Madonna's
Blonde Ambition tour was sold at auction for £14,100 last year.
That's a lot of money for a really Bad piece of used
Bjork's Swan Dress: While Bjork may not be the household
name that the last two musicians have been, she will be forever associated
with that dress. So far as I know she's only worn it once, but that was
at the 2001 Academy Awards, and that was enough. It was a swan. A frickin'
swan! Not a real swan, or PETA would have been on her like Homer Simpson
on the last pork chop, but it was a swan, complete with beak. What exactly
does someone have to smoke before they decide to appear on the most widely
watched award show on the planet wearing a waterfowl? For that matter,
who designs such a thing? It's not like there's going to be a big rush
orders for that dress. The only people who are going to want one are people
that are mocking Bjork, and let's face it, you can only mock Bjork so
much. It's not like there's a pent up demand for Bjork imitators.
Why a swan, though, I wonder? If you're going to wear a bird, why not
go for a goose, or flamingo, or a nice mallard? It's a lot more colourful
and the dress would be every bit as Ugly.